The Phallusy

POWER OF A WOMAN

2012-01-22T19:52:00.003Z

POWER OF A WOMAN

I’vehad two great exchanges with strong women over the last few days.

Bothwomen are 40+, both have teenage kids, both are confident in who they are, whatthey are and what they want. My kind ofwoman!

Thefirst one was having problems with a guy.

“Hewon’t call me!” she said. “He’s got mydigits and he won’t call me! I don’tgive my digits to just anyone but he won’t call. All he does is write these bloody, longe-mails!”

“He’sprobably intimidated by you,” I said.

“He’sa successful man!” she said. “Anentrepreneur! Wealthy!”

Isaid to her, “That doesn’t matter. Hecan do his job with his eyes shut! Inhis world, he runs things. In this exchange,YOU’RE in control; that scares the shit out of him!”

Mysecond exchange was with a woman who posts a lot of provocative things onFacebook.

“Peoplelook at them and think they know me!” she said.

Isaid to her, “If you post a beautiful black and white photograph of a nakedwoman with a poignant comment attached, these sheltered boys will never readyour comment, they will merely think, ‘Cor, I bet she loves sex!’”

“Theseare married men!” she said. “Marriedwith kids!”

“Itdoesn’t matter,” I said. “Married withkids doesn’t make a man worldly. Theylucked out! They found someone moresheltered than them and she agreed to marry them. Having kids is simple! They’re probably good at their job too but itdoesn’t make them any less blinkered.”

“It’ssad,” she said. “They think they knowme. They say to me, ‘I bet you like this’or ‘I bet you like that’.”

“They’vegot one hand on the keyboard and one hand on their dick! You know that, right?”

“Yes,”she said. “They tell me!”

Outgoing,men of the world rarely pick-up women on Facebook because they can make friendswherever they go. The men that live onFacebook or Twitter are shy, nervous and sheltered. They have a blinkered view of women formed God knows how! They would never entertain the possibilitythat all women are different, so they treat all women the same!

“Allthese men fantasise about being with a powerful woman,” she said, “but, whenthey find one, they don’t know what to do!”

So,what’s the solution for these two vibrant and vivacious women? Hide aspects of their personality? Tone it down? Lose a few IQ points along the way? Or continue the eternal search for a man who truly appreciates the powerof a woman?

COMFORT HEATING

2011-11-19T19:48:00.001Z

COMFORTHEATING

Anythingis possible if the other person feels comfortable.

If theother person feels comfortable and has complete trust in your motives and yourabilities then - without the aid of alcohol – they will allow you to exploreand experiment. Even if it involves somediscomfort and, naturally, there are some sexual practices where it’s all aboutphysical discomfort!

Bycomfort, I’m talking more about trust and putting someone at ease. We feel comfortable with someone we can understand,someone on our wavelength. We feelrelaxed and we are able to physically open-up to people who make the effort toput us at ease.

Bycomfort, I don’t mean luxurious sheets, I mean everything making sense. You understand how the other person feels(because they’ve expressed themselves) and you know what they want and whatthey need. It all makes sense. Their actions match their words.

It’salmost as if you’ve both agreed the terms and conditions, and signed-off onthem.

You’veheard of comfort eating. Let’s call thiscomfort heating. You share the sameexpectations and, with this level of comfort, things can heat up prettyquickly!

Conversely,it’s difficult to feel sexy around someone who doesn’t talk straight or makesno effort to allay your fears or possible insecurities. Worse, there are some people who like to playgames, in order to keep you on your toes.

Somepeople: you’re just not sure! What dothose words mean? What do those gesturesmean? Why do I feel no warmth? No passion? No urgency? Why is this personNOT in any desperate hurry to know when I’m available? Why is their behaviour unnerving? And, most important of all, I’ve got a loverbut why am I not as happy as I should be?

Foreplaybegins with comfort. If you feelcomfortable in someone’s space, you can take the next step. If you feel comfortable talking to them aboutpersonal matters, you can take the step after that. If you both feel comfortable saying nothing, justbeing, then you can definitely move on up!

The Real X Factor

2011-11-12T19:55:00.001Z

TheReal X Factor

“Youhaven’t blogged in ages!” a fortysomething friend said to me.

“Gotnothing to blog about,” I said.

“Whatabout men in their fifties?” she said.

“Wouldthat be interesting?”

“Ithink it would!” she said. “They aredefinitely different to men in their forties. Many men in their forties are still very immature and looking for amother figure. They haven't grown up. I find men in their fifties are moreconfident. It's almost like they havearrived and know what they want and have learned from their errors.

“Fortiesgo through mid-life crisis,” she continued. “Fifties are happy with themselves. Maybe it's just me? I have highexpectations of men and expect them to be interesting, articulate, and getdisappointed when they open their mouth and crap comes out.

“I'mnot a child,” she concluded, “and I don't expect a man to be a child. I want a man I can lookup to, who can stimulate me, hold me and protect me if needed, and loveme. I don't want to have to mother aman.”

Mygoodness! If she thinks fortysomething men areimmature, how would she view thirtysomething men?

Naturally,as a fiftysomething man, I was flattered.

50. Damn, what a huge, fucking number! 50. Where did the years go?

Isuppose I went through a 20-year mid-life crisis. My thirties and forties were definitely avoyage of discovery.

Ittook me ages to work out what I actually I am, but now I know! I am a guy with a very high sex drive but I’mnot a conquest-orientated man. I don’tneed to collect women like trophies. Idon’t get much out of one-night stands and I far prefer getting to knowsomeone. I like to explore their mind,explore their body and, naturally, stretch them; help them to go places and dothings they’ve never done before.

And,having worked out what I am, I had to come to terms with it. And, when you reach a certain age, you’ve gotto accept what you are and love what you are.

Mostpeople are not as sexual as me. Theylove sex but love, companionship, trust and reliability are moreimportant. That’s what they are. There’s no point in them trying to be some kindof freak because that’s not what they are.

I’vereached 50 and, I wouldn’t say I don’t care, but I am less concerned with other’sview of me. This is who I am and this iswhat I am and, yes, that does seem to give me some kind of X Factor. I don’t care if you don’t like me, I don’tcare if you don’t want to fuck me. Someone will come along. Someone alwaysdoes.

Incrediblybeautiful and sexy women seem to like this fiftysomething. And if that ain’t worth blogging about, I don’tknow what is!

The List

2011-09-23T11:26:00.000+01:00

I knewit was a mad thing to do. I don’t knowwhy I did it. I knew it was mad thing todo and yet I still did it.

And, tomake matters worse, I wanted to tell someone and, finally, I found the rightperson to tell!

Thelook she gave me said it all. Iimmediately felt really stupid and juvenile.

“Whatdid you do that for?”

“Idon’t know,” I said. “Curiousity?”

“Destroyit!”

“Iwill!” I said.

“Please,destroy it!” she repeated.

“Iwill, I promise.”

Sheshook her head and sniggered silently. “It’s like you’re saying, ‘Please, catch me!’”

“Okay,okay! As soon as I get home, I’ll deletethe list.”

Shelooked into my eyes to ensure I’d appreciated the severity of my mistake. Satisfied, she carried on cutting her steak.

“43,” Isaid.

Shelooked up. “Really?” she said,disbelievingly.

I immediatelybegan trying to style it out, like I was talking to a man. “I’ve been in some very long relationships!”

“Okay,”she said. “I haven’t! To be honest, I was a slut!”

“Maybeone day I’ll catch up to you?”

Shesmiled, wryly. “I don’t think you will!”

THE MOMENT

2011-09-04T14:37:00.000+01:00

What many people fail to understand is that, if you arelucky enough to experience a great moment, you should enjoy it! You should BE in it! You should BASK in it!

You should talk about the moment, Tweet about it, takephotos of it (if possible) and you should lie back and savour it. Savour the moment because you have no idea ifthat moment will ever happen again, or even if your life will ever containanother moment.

If you’re lying in bed with a sexy, naked person, savourthat moment! Don’t jump up after 15minutes and say, “Well, that was nice! Gotta go!” If you’re in a storecupboard and you’ve decided it’s a quickie, all well and good but, if you’vegot time, enjoy the moment.

We go through life doing very mundane things. Our lives are a complex series ofroutines. But routines serve apurpose. They keep us organised. Make sure we’re in the right place at theright time.

And every so often something exciting happens. It could be an invitation to a wedding? It could be holiday plans? It could be a romantic weekend getaway? Or it could be attention from a member of theopposite sex?

And, all of a sudden, life is exciting! Life has purpose. We are making plans to enjoy moments.

And, for those lucky enough to have an exciting sexualpartner, the anticipation of that next session is almost too much to bear. For those of us with a truly spine-tinglingsex life, that delicious feeling of anticipation will keep you smiling for days;thinking back to previous adventures, looking forward to new sensations.

For those of us lucky enough to have truly great moments inour life, it makes all the bullshit and disappointment worth it! But what is your moment quotient? Do you get enough moment?

And here are two more questions:

Is it really a moment or is it just something the otherperson wants to do? Something you feelyou should be doing? Or need to bedoing? Or imagine you need to be doing? Is it a special moment in your life or is justa routine? Or maybe you’re just doing itto feel desired? Or doing it to see ifyou’ve still ‘got it’?

And the next question is:

If it’s not a special moment, what the fuck are you doingthere? Why are you wasting your time?

And, no, ‘the moment’ might not be ideal. It might not be dating or courtship, and themoment might not be part of a marriage but, if it’s a truly special moment, it’sworth enjoying.

And, if it’s not a special moment, then go somewhere elseand do something else, because there are special moments out there waiting you.

Ain’t Nothin’ Like The Unreal Thing

2011-08-12T20:03:00.000+01:00

I’m starting to read a lot of interesting articles about what porn actually does to men (and I don’t mean orgasm!)

It was always thought that porn would ultimately cause men to treat women like sex objects (like they haven’t always done!)

It was always thought that porn would stimulate the male libido and turn him into a sex-crazed beast (I can hear many women saying, “For Christ’s sake, send him to me!”)

What porn actually seems to have done are three things:

1) Many men are now unbothered about having sex because seducing a woman is expensive and/or time-consuming and/or boring, and can sometimes result in residual stress;

2) Many men have a very low sex drive because their testicles get emptied regularly and they have no need of a woman to help them cum;

3) Many men find ‘normal’ women disappointing in terms of looks and performance because ‘porn’ chicks have no body issues are up for anything!

Many women are probably thinking, “My god, I thought ‘dogs’ were my problem! Now I have Habitual Hand-Shandy Merchants to worry about!”

Yes, ladies, at least ‘dogs’ actually want to fuck you! True: they might just want you for one night, true: they might not be very good in the sack, but at least ‘dogs’ want a real woman!

The Once-A-Day Wankers aren’t interested in your sexy lingerie or your cleavage. They’ve found a much simpler and cheaper way to bust a nut, and it involves their two friends Mr. Johnson and Mr. Kleenex.

In truth, the same tragic scene gets acted-out week after week. The woman asks the man some searching question like, “So, where is this going?” And he immediately starts fantasising about some porn chick and how easy his life used to be!

How ironic that explicit sexual images have turned men into docile, passive, non-sexual creatures, who care little about being great lovers or even good boyfriends.

As a father in a house of teenagers, the opportunities to masturbate are virtually negligible. No wonder real sex with a real woman tastes so sweet! Now I just need to find a woman!

THE RELUCTANT SEX SYMBOL

2011-07-28T22:28:00.000+01:00

When a woman finds me attractive, naturally, I’m flattered, but the first thing I do is wonder, “Why?”

I’m not tall, I’m not slim and I’m not muscular. What is it? Why do women find me attractive?

Needless to say, I’m grateful. I accept all the adoration I can get. I accept it gratefully but it still puzzles me.

False modesty, you might say? Maybe? But it’s still a curious phenomenon. When the accepted sex symbols look like Idris Elba and Rafael Nadal, why do women still find me attractive?

Are they settling for second-best? Or am I just the best they can get? Maybe I’m all they can get?

Maybe they don’t really find me attractive? Maybe I’m just an act of desperation?

But, I hear women’s words, and here is what they say:

Women like confidence. Not over-confidence. Women like a man who is comfortable in himself and knows what he’s doing.

Women like a man to be in control. Sure, women don’t need help and they are merely ‘granting’ him control, but it’s sometimes nice to let someone else hold the reins and make the decisions. Plus, a decisive man who makes good decisions is sexy.

Women like a man who listens to them and is genuinely interested in them. They can see through a man making polite conversation to get pussy. Smart women can see through a man saying what he thinks she wants to hear. Women like conversation and they appreciate the cut and thrust of a decent conversationalist; someone who listens and who is interesting to listen to.

Women like a man who is not afraid of work, because sweat is sweat, and women like a man who can work up a sweat! If he has the energy to sweat, he has the energy to pick up her, throw her on the bed and ravish her body!

Women like a happy man, an optimist and a man that smiles. There is nothing less sexy for a woman than having to ‘cheer up’ or ‘pep talk’ a man.

And women love a man who knows how to make them feel good. It might be that he takes her dancing? It might be that cooks for her? It might be that he can sexually satisfy her? But he must know what makes her happy and have the ability to make her feel good.

And, I suppose, if I am all of those things, then I’m not a bad package?

A NEW DICTIONARY

2011-07-24T22:52:00.003+01:00

I peruse porn sites. I admit it.

And, when I click and read the description of the clip, the sites will always describe these women as ‘whores’ and ‘sluts’.

“Watch this blonde slut suck a huge dick ...”

This must mean that whores and sluts are amazing public servants because, if it wasn’t for these ‘whores’ and ‘sluts’, millions of nuts would still be full of spunk!

The truth of the matter is that these models/actresses are not ‘whores’ and ‘sluts’, because there is NO SUCH THING! These are ordinary women that love sex and, in some cases, these are ordinary women just trying to pay their bills.

Would the dictionary stop selling if these words were removed? They are redundant and offensive words.

Words such as ‘whore’ and ‘slut’ and ‘tart’ were created by men to control women.

These words are used by men in an attempt to stop women thinking about sex or having sex. Of course men like women like women to think about sex and have sex but ONLY when women are thinking about having sex with THEM or having sex with THEM. Most men like to keep women’s sexual thoughts related to THEM because they need to control women!

And, following years of conditioning, men have actually got women thinking that it’s BAD to think about sex. Men make women feel guilty for having sexual thoughts by giving them names: ‘whore’, ‘slut’, ‘tart’. Such women are immoral. Such women are God-less. Such women are ‘cock-teasers’ and ‘home-wreckers’.

And, sadly, women buy into these words and these definitions and, even more tragically, they use these words to describe each other.

We need a new dictionary. Such words are redundant and offensive. Such definitions and prison walls are cruel and unnecessary.

Intelligent women know what they feel and what they need. They’re not going to be controlled by men’s manipulative manoeuvres.

Intelligent women have a sense of right and wrong. They don’t need to be reminded of right and wrong by the ultimate sinners: men. And sometimes women do wrong! We all do wrong every now and then!

So, when these primitive pornographers label these gorgeous models/actresses in such unsavoury ways, they are insulting the very women that bring litres of happiness to billions of boys and men every year.

And to label their girlfriends, lovers and wives as ‘sluts’ and ‘whores’ is beneath contempt . God bless horny women!

Thanks to Tracey The Tormentor for another nice pic! Feel free to send me images! New blog soon come and I will need a new pic!

THE DRIVING SEAT

2011-07-16T21:32:00.002+01:00

A man should always worry about the woman first; then everything will fall into place.

It’s actually what foreplay is all about.

It’s as simple as that.

If men were to focus on their women more, a whole world of possibility would open up to them.

There have been so many uncomfortable incidents where the man has suggested spanking, or bondage, or anal, and the woman has been reluctant. Why? Because she’s not warmed-up!

If these dumb men would actually learn how to make love, they would find that an aroused woman is more open to suggestions.

If these guys would actually learn how to warm-up their partners, they would encounter a new woman. A woman they barely recognise! A responsive, open-minded, uninhibited, creative and, sometimes, downright dirty woman!

So, studs, before you get your huge dick out and start pumping away, filling her vagina full of air (which eventually comes out via unattractive fanny farts), why don’t you try the dark and dangerous art of oral sex?

http://phallatio-wwwythephallusy.blogspot.com/2009/12/cravings.html

And don’t just do it until you get bored, do it until she’s satisfied!

Satisfaction. Now, there’s a big word. Men, have you ever truly sexually satisfied a woman? Think you have? Are you sure? And here’s an even scarier question: is it possible to sexually satisfy a woman?

Now, ladies, some guys will read that last question and think, “Who cares? As long as I get mine!” These are the most dangerous men of all. To be avoided at all costs. Ensure your radar is working. Sniff out these selfish morons and kick them the curb.

What you need is a man that works on you first. He puts you in the driving seat. He takes care of your feelings and needs, and ensures you are grinning from ear-to-ear before he takes out his ‘deadly weapon’.

HER VERY OWN AND GOLDEN BUTTON

2011-07-05T22:02:00.001+01:00

So, why have women been given a body part that is purely for sex? How come men haven’t got one?

Even though men play with their dicks all day every day, it is a multi-functional organ, NOT purely designed for sexual pleasure.

If all of this came about as a result of evolution, The Clitoris is some seriously detailed and sophisticated evoluting!

The Clit allows men to be as stupid and selfish as they want. Who knew that men would be so primitive and naive? Evolution? It makes you wonder if God really exists? The logic is brilliant.

Men have to be tough, thick-skinned, self-centred and egotistical in order to survive. In a world full of cheap, conniving bastards, men have to be cold, hard and ruthless. In order to hunt and gather, in order to clothe and feed, men have to be animals in this dog-eat-dog world.

And this makes them uncomplicated lovers. “Foreplay? Don’t have time for that shit!” “The Clit? Where’s that?” “The G Spot? Is that a new club?”

Fortunately, evolution (or God?) gave women a clitoris. So, even while he’s pumping away (and imagining he’s some stud), the clitoris takes the edge of the boredom and, once he rolls over and falls asleep, the woman can finish herself off by stimulating her very own and golden button!

And, as an extra-added bonus, evolution (or God?) has given woman the gift of multiple-orgasm! Now, that is a clever design!

As if that weren’t enough, the pussy can talk! How about that? A smart woman can make her pussy talk. Before he knows it, the man is hearing voices. He’s not totally sure where they’re coming from. Could they really be coming from her pussy?

With a smile, or a few choice words, or a simple gesture, the man is snared. Like the soothing voice of a hypnotist, the man begins to hear the pussy say, “I taste good. I feel good. I can help you reach Nirvana.”

Even if you believe that woman was created from Adam’s rib, you’ve got to admit, woman is an amazing creation.

THE SHELF

2011-07-03T20:41:00.001+01:00

One of the loneliest places in the world is ... The Shelf.

Have you ever been in an old, dusty, corner shop? You know, the kind of place where they sell stuff they don’t make anymore? You look up and there – high up on the shelf – you see this sad looking can of processed peas, or maybe a packet of ancient, dried noodles?

Yep, The Shelf is a sad and lonely place to be. You don’t want to get left on there!

As they get older, many women become terrified that they will get ‘left on The Shelf’.

It causes these older women to do all sorts of things: cosmetic surgery, reckless flings, much younger men and, sadly, some rush into unsuitable marriages. And it knocks their confidence because it feels like a rejection whereas, in fact, finding someone decent is not a skill, it’s a bloody miracle!

Amazingly, as these mature women become wiser and more beautiful, they become convinced that they are “old” and “past it”. Nothing could be further from the truth. After all, at 40, hasn’t a woman reached her sexual peak? And, ladies, aren’t you getting ‘better in bed’ with every passing year? (And, if you’re not, I’d like to know why not?)

Personally, I find mature women much better company. Always have done. For me, older women are all the better for their bad experiences. They have a general understanding of how everything works, which means you don’t have to speculate or fumble in the dark.

Unattached women will look at attached women and think, “What has she got that I don’t have? Is she just lucky? Or is she just better at putting up with shit than me?”

The truth of the matter is that compatibility is a bitch! This is how the myth of ‘The One’ came about. Finding compatible partners is fucking difficult! And ‘compatibility’ is NOT wine and roses 24/7. It’s not that she’s better at putting up with shit; it’s just that she’s come to terms with the fact that compatibility is a bitch! Being in a relationship is hard work; it takes all your strength not to jab that fool in the eye with your fork!

Do men care about The Shelf? Shit, they didn’t know it existed! If they can escape marriage, they are happy as Larry! If they can escape marriage, they can remain single forever, which is wonderful, until they die in an empty house, penniless and alone.

I’m not saying the The Shelf doesn’t exist; I’m just saying that more women should hold their nerve for longer! Don’t hang up your diamond-studded G-string before you have to! Reaching 40 and deciding you’ve been ‘left on the shelf’ is madness!

REAL MEN

2011-06-18T22:35:00.000+01:00

Real men check themselves for testicular cancer.

Real men don’t always have to win the argument.

Real men know the right thing to say. Even when she asks, “Does my bum look good in this?”

Real men know how to give good hugs.

Real men will go to see whatever movie you want to see, and talk to you about it afterwards!

Real men do not get upset when you criticise them.

Real men are not envious of other men.

Real men will always reach for their credit card to pay the bill, but will you allow you to pay, if you wish.

Real men are not orgasm-orientated. Sometimes a woman will just want closeness and intimacy, and a real man will be satisfied with that.

Having said that, if you need to cum, a real man will make every attempt to bring you to orgasm.

Real men are not afraid to fall in love.

Real men are not afraid to public displays of affection.

Real men are not afraid to cry.

Real men have a good work ethic. They will do whatever is necessary to pay their bills and keep a roof over their head.

Real men realise how important compliments are to a woman and know how to give good compliment!

Real men are adventurous.

Real men have principles.

Real men have good manners, and know there is much more to ‘good manners’ than just opening the door for a lady.

Real men are not necessarily heterosexual.

Real men make you feel secure and give you confidence.

Real men feel passion.

Real men don’t pretend to be something they’re not.

Real men are real.

Happiness

2011-06-16T00:34:00.000+01:00

If the grass is always greener on the other side, is anyone ever really content?

What a head fuck!

Here’s a scenario: two people get into a situation and it’s good, the quality time is full of laughs and the sex is naughty, and then one of them spots something ‘greener’ on the other side and, within a few months, is gone. The New Couple is born, and so the cycle goes round and round.

The Other Side has a lot to answer for!

And then – surprise surprise – as the cycle turns, so The New Couple run into trouble, and you can have a sly laugh as the guy who dumped you gets dumped himself!

Everyone is trying to find happiness and, in the process, somebody somewhere has to experience some unhappiness.

Wouldn’t it be wiser to just say to your new partner: “Look, I don’t expect this to last; if it lasts, all well and good, but I’m not expecting it to. I like you but I’m not making any plans for the distant future.”

After all, what’s the point of a striving for and achieving happiness, if unhappiness is just around the corner?

What a head fuck!

Love can bring you big happiness but love is like drinking a delicious poison. It tastes so sweet going down ... and then it kills you!

The big question is: is love the best way of tasting the sweetest fruits on the happiness tree?

Self-help gurus will suggest, “You won’t be able to love anyone until you can love yourself.” And I believe there is enormous truth in this. I genuinely like myself. I am flawed but I still like me.

All of my flaws prevent me from being a perfectionist. I do not have unrealistic expectations of anyone else. No one is perfect and you, dear reader and friend, are FAR from perfect, but I accept you for who you are, and it enables me to love you.

As love brings one as much unhappiness as happiness, wouldn’t it be easier to buy a puppy? Or take up a hobby?

Or is the solution to accept love for what it is? A chaotic, confusing, contradictory, treacherous, evasive and painful experience.

I guess the most confusing aspect of all of this is: why are we all so addicted to love? Having been kicked in the balls, why do we keep going back for more? This quest for happiness has turned us all into masochists!

(Many thanks to Tracey The Tormentor for sending in a pic of herself and her vibrator!)

Are You A Sex Object?

2011-06-09T01:53:00.003+01:00

Why do women always think I want to fuck them?

Trust me: I don’t. This whole ‘fucking’ thing is not where I’m at. I’m not into this thing where you imagine you are ‘giving’ me your pussy and, for some reason, I should feel really grateful.

There are some women who use the expression ‘giving up the pussy’. In other words, their pussy is currency and part of some bargaining process.

And these women seem to be suggesting that if I am helpful or generous then, as part of the bargain, they will open their legs and allow me to stick my penis in their vagina.

Hmm ... not very sexy! I do not need to stick my penis into your vagina.

I am rich. I am a wealth of ideas, a wealth of encouragement, a wealth of knowledge, and I am even rich with love. I have a lot of love in my heart. Love. Not sex.

I don’t need to have sex with you. I don’t view you as a sex object.

People say I give away too much but, shocking though it may be, I will give you some of my time, and I ask for nothing in return. I certainly don’t need to put my penis in your vagina.

You have nothing I need. You have something I want, but I definitely don’t need it. You don’t need to give it up to me because I don’t need it.

Other men might make you feel like a sex object but, as I don’t need to fuck you, there’s no need for you to feel like a sex object in my presence.

I’d like to treat you as a sex object. I’d like to lick your pussy for hours. But I don’t need to. I am not desperate to do it. And maybe you like a guy to make you feel wanted and make you feel special but, I’m sorry, that won’t be me. I just don’t need it that badly.

Not because I have lots of trim somewhere else. I just don’t want you imagining that you are giving me something and I should be grateful for it.

If we make love, you won’t be giving me anything. If we can’t share the experience, there was no point. I don’t arrive at a party empty-handed. I will be bringing something to the party and, hopefully, you will too. But, believe me, there will be no process whereby you are ‘giving’ me anything.

In fact, as some women bring very little to the party, they do little ‘giving’ or ‘giving up’, just a bit of ‘opening’ and, for some bizarre reason, because their pussies are gold-plated, I should be grateful.

You may be the object of my arousal, but I don’t require you to make some huge sacrifice on my behalf. If you wish to make love, that would be nice: end of story.

(Many thanks to Brenda Basque for the lovely image. Though many might, I do not view her as a sex object!)

Fear Eats The Soul

2011-06-05T23:59:00.001+01:00

Fear Eats The Soul

‘Fear Eats The Soul’ is actually a film by the German director Rainer Werner Fassbinder about racism. It follows the hostile reaction to a relationship between a German woman and a Moroccan immigrant. The film suggests that racism is based on fear, and that this ignorance eats away at the very fibre of your being.

Former US president Franklin Roosevelt said, “There is nothing to fear but fear itself,” which virtually means the same. Fear itself is something to be afraid of. In fact, showing fear can sometimes make you appear vulnerable.

Now, without wishing to upset philosophers, let’s provide a simplistic definition of ‘the soul’. Let’s say that the soul is that invisible place in your body where your real personality resides. Not any kind of fake persona you might like to peddle in public. Your soul is where the real you resides. Your soul contains your real thoughts, your real feelings, and your real wants and needs. Authenticity is what the soul is all about. You can lie to yourself if you want, but your soul will always hold the truth.

You can spend your whole day behaving like a sweet, modest, conventional person, but if you have hidden desires to be very dirty, those feelings will gnaw away at you. You will crave the opportunity to be slutty.

The concept of Pandora’s Box terrifies most people. They are thinking, “Oh, shit! If I like it, I might get addicted to it?” They are nervous about opening that box, in case they can’t close it. They are nervous that, once the ‘other’ side of them comes out, that part of their personality might take over! Suddenly, they are on their knees in dark alleys giving blow jobs and surfing the internet for sex parties!

What are we frightened of? Rejection? The unknown? Confusion? Complication? The expression, ‘Better the devil you know’ is many peoples’ mantra. It’s so much simpler to stick with what we know. It’s so much simpler to do nothing.

And what does fear do to us? It affects our life. It can paralyse us. It can cause anxiety attacks. But, most important of all, it cramps our style. Fear stops us from chopping and changing with freedom. Fear stops us from dipping our toes into the dark side. Fear stops us from strutting our stuff.

Finally, the scariest thing about Pandora’s Box is heartbreak? We all fear heartbreak. Understandably so but, as the poet Alfred Lord Tennyson wrote, “'Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” That’s not to say that love is always followed by heartbreak but fear prevents us from even enjoying love.

(Many thanks to lurker/reader Four Poster Fanny for supplying this image.)

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM!

2011-05-26T23:35:00.001+01:00

THINGS THAT MAKE YOU GO HMM!

Definition of CONTRADICTION

: act or an instance of contradicting

a : a proposition, statement, or phrase that asserts or implies both the truth and falsity of something

b : a statement or phrase whose parts contradict each other

a : logical incongruity

b : a situation in which inherent factors, actions, or propositions are inconsistent or contrary to one another

She’s white and middle class and loves being married to a white, middle class man who can keep her in the style she’s accustomed to, but she secretly has affairs with black men who she would never marry.

This guy has just been rejected because he’s not her type. She prefers someone taller, slimmer and slightly more muscular. And yet she’s been single for seven years!

He used to skip from mistress to mistress without a care or an emotion in the world, but now he’s fallen in love with his mistress and he’s questioning whether he married the right woman!

This woman told all her friends she’d met the man of her dreams and enjoyed a large, showy wedding, but she’s already bored of him and can’t stand it when he touches her.

This guy is married to a hot, pretty, sexy girl, who will do anything to please him in bed, and yet he constantly fantasises about this twice-divorced, been-around-the-block woman who doesn’t give a damn about him but who only does no-holds-barred, nasty, messy sex.

She used to frown on “those women” that slept with married men and yet, here she is: involved with a married man.

He is in love with his wife but he has met someone new and now the new woman fills his thoughts. Now, he no longer cares if his wife has an affair, but the thought of his lover being with someone else drives him nuts!

Because her parents are still together, she is a firm believer that marriage is forever but, now she’s married, she hasn’t got a clue how her parents stuck it out! She is suffering but she plans to stick it out!

He has lusted after this girl his whole life. They have been friends forever. But he didn’t heed the warning of ‘When Harry Met Sally’, he’s slept with her, and now they’ve got nothing to talk about!

She has a husband that can make her cum, yet she loves spending time with this guy who can’t make her cum!

He spends his every waking hour trying to sleep with as many women as possible. He says and does whatever is necessary to get into their knickers. He doesn’t really like women but he’ll happily leave his deposit inside them.

She is a respectable and married member of her suburban community, and so are all her friends, and yet they are all having affairs and they all know about each other’s affairs. They all view it as innocent and necessary fun. There is a single girl within their group and they all feel a little sorry for her.

She is forever complaining that men are shallow and always go for the “pretty package” and yet she only dates gorgeous men, who will happily fuck her a few times then move on.

Are these contradictions or just normal, everyday life?

Just The Way You Like It

2011-05-15T09:50:00.000+01:00

Just The Way You Like It

Jimmy Jam & Terry Lewis wrote this wonderful song for The S.O.S. Band and, in the chorus, Mary Davis sings, “I will give it to you just the way you like it.”

But how many of us are getting it just the way we like it?

Ladies: is your man assertive enough? Decisive enough? Creative enough? Is he still full of surprises or going through the motions?

Men: is your woman still making an effort? Is she still doing all the kinky things she used to do? Does she still put her tongue THERE?

Sometimes you come out of a session and you think, “Yeah, that is just the way I like it!” A sexy attitude, the right amount of foreplay, the right kind of foreplay, a few nasty touches of kink, and the perfect selection of fucking positions over the right period of time!

And then there are times when you just doze off thinking, “Oh, well. Not great but better than nothing!”

Getting it ‘just right’ is so tricky. You need to identify what does and doesn’t work for you, and hope to hell it tallies with your partner. Discussing this kind of stuff may be uncomfortable, but it’s vital to say, “Actually, can you NOT cum in my mouth?”

What you’re actually looking for is a level of consistency. Dull as it may seem, you want to know that, when you enter the bedroom (or wherever), it’s always going to satisfy you!

And I’m not talking just ‘orgasm satisfy’, I mean totally satisfy! I mean: “Put her butt to sleep” satisfy! I’m talking wicked flashbacks the day after; that leave you with a goofy grin. I’m talking the kind of session that makes you want to write a poem!

And THAT is one of the key reasons why married people stray! Maintaining that level of consistency over 10, 20, 30 years is virtually impossible! You are faced with many decades of unsatisfactory coitus of compromise; NOT the way you like it, week in and week out!

In your head, you have a menu of things that always rock your boat. Weird as it may seem, your partner must be made aware of that list of ingredients, so they can cook the loving just the way you like it!

MEN-TAL SPACE

2011-05-02T14:24:00.000+01:00

MEN-TAL SPACE

Some woman said to me the other day, “I've decided to stop thinking about men, they take up too much of my mental space.”

It made me laugh. Thinking about men shouldn’t require any effort at all. You should grant them some MEN-TAL Space but that’s about it! (Men-tal Space is a tiny, unused and virtually useless bit at the back of the female brain.)

She didn’t actually mean ‘thinking’ anyway. She meant ‘worrying’ and ‘fretting’. Analysing and over-analysing. Christ, what a subject to worry about!

Hmm ... let me stare at this stone for hours on end ... why does it not move? Why does it not speak? What is it thinking? Why won’t it love me?

Are men hard to fathom? Naaah! They are such simple creatures. Feed them and fuck them. It’s so simple.

And when it comes to the warmth (or lack of warmth) you get from him, what’s so complicated? Either you feel warmth or you don’t? If you do: hooray for you! If you don’t: show that sucker the exit.

Didn’t you see the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You”?

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1001508/

You didn’t? Go see it! You think it’s a movie just for single people? Wrong!

If you’re in a marriage where you’re not getting back as much as you think you’re putting in ... he’s just not that into you! That’s right, your husband may love you, but he may not love you as much as you love him.

Or maybe he’s just crap at expressing his love? What’s complicated about that? Men are crap at expressing emotions. You knew that, right?

And didn’t you read that book ‘Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus’.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Men_Are_from_Mars,_Women_Are_from_Venus

You didn’t? Go read it. Of course men and women are different, and NOT only because one has a penis. Of course men and women are different. So what? So fucking what?

No, men do NOT think the way you do and feel the way you do. Stop waiting for it to happen! And do NOT waste mental space, when men-tal space will do just fine.

There Are More Questions Than Answers

2011-04-29T17:31:00.000+01:00

There Are More Questions Than Answers

To quote a famous reggae song, “There are more questions than answers.”

Groups of women meet every week, and ask, discuss and answer a million questions. Until it comes the subject of men! At which point, women will shrug their shoulders and trot out half-baked theories and urban myths about men.

It’s not their fault. Who understands the male of the species? Men? Hell, no, they’re too busy chasing tail! There is no scientist or anthropologist on this planet that truly gets to core of a man.

And, this week, the media has been full of a new word: ‘super-injunction’. These are legal-binding silencers that prevent the media from revealing certain very juicy stories; usually, about famous married men and their mistresses.

Now, many married men have mistresses, but the media are interested in the celebrities, and these rich and powerful people can now buy super-injunctions to prevent the media from messing with their lives.

So, here is one of the questions that women (and academics) fail to answer:

“How can you cheat on me when you claim to love me?”

Answer: well, in many cases, he really does his love his wife. He loves his life and is quite happy for things to stay exactly as they are but – in simplistic terms – men just want MORE! Not more sex with their wife, just more!

A woman’s disgusted response to this is, “Oh, I see! He wants his cake and wants to eat it too!”

This non-sensical phrase means, as stated above, the man wants his stable, family life but also wants extra-curricular activity which, of course, makes complete sense. A delicate blend of elements: who wouldn’t want that?

“Why can’t you be faithful?”

Answer: well, he probably could be faithful if he wanted to but, if some hottie is going to offer it on a plate, he will accept. Men are as faithful as their opportunities. Ugly and/or insecure men are often faithful.

Attractive, confident men attract women like flies to doo-doo.

“Why are all men bastards?”

Answer: you can call them ‘bastards’, if you wish, but it won’t help you reach a deeper understanding. Men are men. They are all the same. You don’t have to date one if you don’t want. You can always date a drawer full of sex toys? But, if you want to live with one, don’t try and change him. Just ensure his balls are empty!

And, sadly, marriages break down. The woman goes off to find a decent man and, in some cases, she finds (what she thinks is) a decent man. Unfortunately, if her ‘decent’ man is attractive and/or confident, he’s liable to run into temptation and, as she returns to her group of female friends, she realises there are still more questions than answers.

What Do Men Think With?

2011-04-25T17:27:00.003+01:00

What Do Men Think With?

Women with a poor appreciation of the male body will suggest that men think with their dicks!

Well, yes, it appears as if the erection is the decision-maker but, in truth, the ache in the balls is what causes the trouble! In fact, I can become very aroused with no swelling of my penis at all!

And, as I detailed in an earlier blog ...

http://phallatio-wwwythephallusy.blogspot.com/2010/10/blue-balls.html

Once the balls have been aroused, the man is on a collision course with everyone and everything until he reaches orgasm. If he thinks you can relieve him, he will say anything and make any kind of damn promise!

And, in lovemaking, many women fail to appreciate how sensitive the testicles are! Lick them, suck them, scratch them gently with your nails, squeeze them; make love to them and the results will astound you!

But what do women think with? They are given a brain and, invariably, that’s what they use, and that’s where the problem lies!

In some women, those brains never switch off. They will think and analyse, chew things over, replay things in their mind, and they won’t just do this in their leisure time! They will do it when they’re with you and while they’re making love!

So, while women don’t usually think with their vagina, they might as well for all the trouble their brain causes!

While women are clearly smarter than men, they are still unable to spot a bullshitter! Women have the opportunity to vet a guy good and proper; talk to him on Facebook until the cows come home, and they STILL can’t spot a bullshitter!

Predictably, women are fatally attracted to hunks and pretty boys, and those boys always lead them a merry dance!

And, predictably, when women find someone half-decent, they bring so much emotional baggage with them, the relationship is dead in the water within months.

So, even though stupid men are led by their genital area, a woman’s brain will sometimes let her down badly!

NEARLY BUT NOT QUITE THERE

2011-04-02T00:15:00.007+01:00

NEARLY BUT NOT QUITE THERE

Masturbation feels good. It relaxes, it de-stresses, it helps you sleep, it pumps your blood, it releases endorphins and it makes the world seem a better place, but some women don’t really see the need in ‘busting a nut’ on their own. For them, the sexual experience MUST involve another person. Someone they care about. For them, physical experiences that do not involve intimacy with another person are NOT sexual. These women do not have a low libido; they would rather save their ‘nuts’ for someone special.

Most women don’t ruthlessly pursue the orgasm. They might be sexual, they might be kinky and they might even be perverse but, ultimately, what a woman wants is a meaningful relationship because, for her, that will lead to trust and even better sex!

And then there are those women that cannot orgasm at all and, despite their protestations, I firmly believe it can be overcome. I firmly believe it will happen when they relax and when they have sex with someone they love and who is in love with them.

I’ve talked to three different women. They all have different stories and different mental/emotional issues.

The first woman comes from a very religious, Catholic family, and was very close to a mother who has since passed away. For many Catholics, sex is NOT about pleasure, it's for making babies, and I'm sure (in the throes of making love) she hears her mother telling her that sex is bad, and that ‘good girls’ don't think about sex or take that much pleasure in it.

The second woman also comes from a religious background and married young (scared of being left on the shelf), had kids (despite not loving him) and, a few years ago, the husband left her. The sex wasn't great, there was no love and, in many ways, her heart is still broken. She is disillusioned, confused and sad. There is now a huge mistrust of men and, even though she's having sex, there's no love and no intimacy because she doesn't know where it's going or where it will lead.

These kinds of mental/emotional issues will create a huge brick wall in a woman's brain, and stop any kind of sensual feelings permeating. Good sex is all about smiling on your face and smiling within your body.

Here are the words of the third woman:

“I don't have any problems having an orgasm through masturbating, it is just with sex. I don't trust men at all, so perhaps that is my issue. I don't hate men but I don't particularly like men either. I always assume the worst where they are concerned. To be honest, I am not that worried about it and I believe it will happen one day.”

Needless to say, Woman No. 3 will not orgasm if she doesn't trust men or particularly like them. It's just not going to happen. Her heart and soul are not in it.

We are all searching for a great relationship but, in the meantime, why not have fun? We all work hard, so we deserve to have fun.

For some women, sex isn't just sex; it comes attached with a lot of emotions. Men are able to detach when having sex and get out of it what they want. Some women probably wish they could be like this, but there are too many thoughts plaguing their pleasure.

It can only really work if you view sex as just sex. It can only really work if you view sex as a fun thing to do, like walking in a park, or going to a concert by your favourite artist or eating a delicious meal. If you're having sex and thinking, "What does this mean?" or "How does he feel?" or "Will I ever see him again?" then that is TOO MUCH THINKING!

In addition to her thoughts about him, women will always worry about their bodies. “Does he think I’m fat?” “Does he wish my boobs were bigger?” “Can he see my stretch marks?” Women's feelings about their bodies are key. If they feel that pregnancy and childbirth have ruined their bodies, or if they feel that their bodies are not sexual enough, or if they just hate their features, then they can never relax.

In addition to that thought process, women will worry about appearing too forward, too knowledgeable, too skilled, too freaky, too slutty or too noisy. The 'slut' element cripples many women. Even the most modern, progressive and liberated women still worry that sex outside a marriage (or long-term relationship) is cheap, slutty and worthless and, if anyone knew about it, would be frowned upon.

In addition to all that, many women are worried about ‘letting go’. Orgasm is a surrender of control. Some women are very nervous about that moment of vulnerability. So, all of these factors prevent a woman from enjoying the emotional and physical benefits of orgasm.

Excellent site www.netdoctor.co.uk makes the following very helpful comments and suggestions.

Female orgasm isn't a push-button response. The conditions have to be right.
Although females vary, many women need the following if they're going to reach a climax easily:

• a romantic atmosphere
• pleasant, comfortable surroundings
• a partner who they really like
• a feeling of being wanted and appreciated
• a good flow of natural lubrication - so that the delicate female parts don't get sore
• a skilled partner who knows how to stimulate the clitoris.

Unless you can provide the above, you are not going to have great success in giving your partner orgasms.

In summary, here's what to do if you want to bring your partner to orgasm regularly:

• don't be in a rush.
• don't be too demanding – it's not an Olympic event.
• talk to your partner, and ask her what she wants you to do to her.
• always create a romantic atmosphere.
• make sure that everything is comfortable and nice for her.
• give her lots of kisses and cuddles before you even think about making any approach to her sexual area.
• when you do start to stroke, rub or kiss her genitals, don't rush into 'attacking' her clitoris. Take things gently, and see what she wants.
• use her own natural lubrication to moisten her clitoris.
• remember that stimulation of the clitoris is the key to female orgasm.
• sometimes encourage her to 'run' your sex sessions. You can learn a lot by watching how she stimulates herself or by really listening to her when she suggests a sex position, or a particular caress.

These are great practical tips but non-orgasmic women sabotage themselves in so many different ways. Women don’t sabotage themselves on purpose but, despite having amazing control of so many aspects of their life, they can’t stop their brains from thinking non-orgasmic thoughts!

2011-03-13T19:59:00.003Z

THE WAR OF THE ROSES

I’ve been spending some time in a Facebook group. It’s not an interest group, they discuss everything: current affairs, culture, politics, sexual politics, etc.

It’s populated by bright, young people. They all think they’re pretty evolved and sophisticated but most of them are in their twenties and thirties and – to me – they seem naive, but it’s entertaining and absorbing, and I find myself dipping in and out all day. The conversation is lively and witty.

Needless to say, most of them are unattached and, as you would expect, the girls are looking for a partner, while the boys are just looking for pussy.

The guys strut like peacocks in order to impress, and say outrageous things to provoke, just like little boys in a school yard, pinching the girls and running away! We are in the glorious, high-tech age of social networking, and boys and girls are still playing kiss chase!

The one thing I am noticing in this Facebook group is that women are still much smarter than men. Some of the things the guys say are just embarrassing! And yet – bless them – these women still have an undying faith that these men will turn into great husbands and great fathers. These guys make me look good, and I’m a heartless bastard!

I parked my car in a central London street last night. A car pulled up to the left of me. Two guys got out holding bottles of alcohol. They stood in the doorway of an office building, put their bottles down and began to urinate in the doorway. They then picked up their bottles, got back into the car and drove away. I take my hat off to women who imagine they can mould such primitive animals into boyfriend material.

And now BBC3 has launched a show called ‘How To Live With Women’, in which frustrated women send their boyfriends away to be socialised. The men are a delightful blend of the lazy, sexist, immoral, hypocritical and just plain stupid. Again, they make an adulterer like me look like an angel! How will tomorrow’s women feel when they marry one of these dim-witted clods, and then they cheat on her, just for good measure?

I suspect the battle of the sexes will rage on for centuries to come. Social networking is merely making it easier to network. Those social skills are still sadly lacking!

In Appreciation Of The Married Man

2011-02-16T23:49:00.004Z

In Appreciation Of The Married Man

When you have a fling, affair or relationship with a married man, everything will be fine, as long as you remember the following three facts: this man belongs to someone else, this man is probably in love with that someone else, and this man has NO INTENTION of breaking up with his wife.

As long as you can handle those three golden nuggets everything will be cool. If you go into a relationship with a married man with no expectations, then there is nothing to lose and everything to gain.

A married man won’t want to spend the night, but then you won’t have to listen to his snoring and smell his farts.

A married man does not live with you, thus he has no control over your movements.

A married man will appreciate your body and appreciate sex with you because his sex life with his wife died ages ago.

A married man will tell you his wildest fantasies (and want to act them out) because his wife isn’t into “that kind of thing”.

A married man is always happy to see you and always has lots of talk about.

You won’t have to listen to the mundane details of a married man’s life because, when he gets to you, all he wants to do is have a good time.

There is a good probability that a married man will understand women, having committed himself to one and having lived with one. A married man will empathise with your moods, aches and pains, and he may even know how to deal with them?

Marriage seems to emasculate many men. They instantly become cowering versions of their former selves. A marriage service lets the world know a man’s single days are over. He is no longer the rascal with a naughty glint in his eye. He is no longer a bad boy.

In a cruel twist of fate, the mistress gets the best of a married man. She makes him feel like a single man and, in return, he behaves a suitor. She gets all his best ideas and all of his best moves.

As you would expect, all of her friends tell the mistress that she’s “heading for a fall”. They tell her to “be careful” and they mean well. Not thinking for one moment that their boyfriend/husband might have a mistress somewhere. Not considering for one moment that their relationship might fail and cause them great pain. They view the mistress as the naive one and assume their future is secure.

The mistress's friends feel sorry for her. They feel she is getting half a man, half a relationship, half a heart; never noticing that the mistress is always smiling, happy and vibrant.

Which women enjoy the best men?

The Nut And The Busting Thereof

2011-02-05T08:13:00.001Z

The Nut And The Busting Thereof

Initially, a woman masturbating was frowned upon.

Generations of religious and/or prudish people told women that masturbating was unnecessarily sexual. Their bodies were for procreation. Full stop.

And then the Sixties arrived! The ethos of flower power, mind-blowing drugs, free love and The Pill changed women. All of a sudden, they could have sex without getting pregnant! And, with the publication of The Joy Of Sex, men suddenly became better lovers! These poor, hapless bastards suddenly discovered where the clitoris was!

Soon after, more women reclaimed their own orgasm and, with the publication of Nancy Friday’s books, women discovered that not only were many other women masturbating, but they were all having the same dirty thoughts.

The development of dildos and vibrators meant countless masturbatory orgasms, and when the sex aid shops became high street and the internet became full of safe sites, every kind of woman could discreetly buy every kind of sex toy, which led to even more fiddling and diddling!

Men used to feel that women didn’t have that same need to bust a nut, but when Charlotte from ‘Sex And The City’ became obsessed with her Rabbit, men quickly realised that some women feel that need too.

Orgasm feels good, it relaxes, it de-stresses, it helps you sleep, it pumps your blood, it releases endorphins and it makes the world seem a better place. Hell, it even makes your old lady look hot again!

But some women don’t need to bust a nut. For them, the sexual experience must involve another person. Someone they care about. For them, physical experiences that do not involve intimacy with another person are NOT sexual. These women do not have a low libido; they would rather save their ‘nuts’ for someone special.

A man is not himself until he has cum. In his pursuit of an orgasm, a man will be patient, courteous and generous. In order to ‘get his leg over’, a man will portray himself as kind, sincere and faithful.

Once he has reached orgasm, you will see the real man. If he gets up and leaves immediately, then THAT is the real him. If he is still kind and sincere – shock horror – you might have found a keeper!

Women are not like that; they don’t ruthlessly pursue the orgasm. They might be sexual, they might be kinky and they might even be perverse but, ultimately, what a woman wants is a meaningful relationship because, for her, that will lead to trust and even better sex!

THE ETERNAL MISTRESS

2011-01-03T13:56:00.002Z

You are my eternal mistress.

You are married, you are single, you are separated, you are divorced but you will always be my eternal mistress.

You will only see the best sides of me.

You only see my passion, my confidence, my imagination.

You only see me smile, you only see me enjoying life.

There will never be a bill or a financial worry between us.

There will never be silence between us.

There will never be a dull moment between us.

You are not my wife because the sex is always good.

You are not my wife because I don’t have to spend time with your family and friends.

You are not my wife because we don’t have to worry about the kids.

You don’t laugh at my jokes and it doesn’t matter.

You don’t share my tastes and it doesn’t matter.

You don’t really believe me and it doesn’t matter.

You don‘t mind my kinks and you don’t care about my past.

I am not Mr. Right; I am merely Mr. Right Here & Right Now.

We are in the moment and we enjoy the moment.

The moments we share are good.

The moments we share become great memories.

You are gone. You are my past. You have moved on but – you know what? – you will ALWAYS be my eternal mistress.

Five Star

2010-12-27T00:40:00.002Z

FIVE STAR

I had heard about this restaurant.

I knew the name but I knew nothing about this restaurant.

Why did I go? It seemed intriguing. I knew this establishment would have character. I knew this dining experience would be unique.

From the outside, it looked colourful. Very colourful. I suspect some may find it garish but, to me, it was a celebration of colour. And, for me, life should be a celebration.

Stepping through the front door, the ambience was warm and welcoming. I cannot fault customer service. There were smiles and jokes, and I immediately felt at ease. At home.

But let me move on swiftly to the sensations that awaited my palate and body.

The lips were full and soft, but it was the teeth that surprised me most. The teeth were constantly and playfully biting my lips. An aggressive but sensual act.

The skin was soft and smooth, fragrant and tasty. I found myself licking every part of her neck, arms, legs and belly, and I was unable to resist sucking her fingers and toes. I appreciate an hor d’oeuvre as much as the next man, but I was in danger of gorging on the starter!

The nipples responded to pinching, sucking and gentle biting. The body arched with pleasure and, by her impassioned moans, it was clear I was observing proper table etiquette.

Nevertheless, when I opened her legs and begin to sample her inner juices, I realised this was no ordinary meal. As any diner will know, some meats just taste better than others.

I found myself desperately trying to get my tongue deeper, seeing if it was even tastier inside, and resorted to licking my own fingers, like some powerless coke fiend.

And, when I flipped her over, it was just as sumptuous between her shapely cheeks. As you penetrate the other orifice with your tongue, it never fails to elicit a gasp. This meant the entire slit was one long, often-replenished buffet. Something you wanted to return to over and over again.

Would it be folly to award it five stars? How could the experience be bettered? If her breasts were full of chocolate milkshake and her pussy spouted Jack Daniels?

I shall certainly be dining at this restaurant again but will NOT be recommending to others. The best establishments require an exclusive clientele.

VANILLA

2010-11-15T23:46:00.003Z

VANILLA

For me, ‘vanilla’ represents how I used to be. It represents how most people are. To me, ‘vanilla’ means ‘sucking and fucking’. To me, vanilla means dull and ordinary.

Millions of vanilla people walk amongst us. They are your dentist, they are your postman, and they are probably your parents!

Now, if you can get off from just sucking and fucking, then I’m happy for you. Truly I am. I don’t look down on you! If you are able to have multiple orgasms from sucking and fucking, then that is a blessing. Some women can’t orgasm so, if you’re busting a nut, we applaud you!

I’m no snob. When I meet a woman who gets off on sucking and fucking, then that’s what we do but – me, personally – I’ve kinda moved on from there. Vanilla is who I use to be.

I’m not saying I’m some crazy freak who likes a tennis racquet up my arse while two female midgets take a piss on my head. I’m not all about kink. I’m just saying: there is more to sex than sucking and fucking.

Now, I’m not well-endowed, so I don’t spend a lot of time filling women’s pussies. Women enjoy being filled-up but I’m not the man for the job, and it’s not really what I’m into. I don’t get a big thrill out of ejaculating inside a woman. After all, we’re not trying to make a baby! With a little imagination, you can find 10 other places to ejaculate.

In fact, with a little imagination and a little curiosity, you can probably find out what your woman is REALLY into! It may be sucking and fucking but then it may not? In fact it might not even be sex at all!

I’m not some 24/7 fetish freak but I’m definitely not vanilla. Jeez, there are so many things to do: anal, biting, blindfolds, bondage, caning, chauffeuring, collars, corsets, domination, examinations, exhibitionism, fisting, food, forced servitude, golden showers, hair-pulling, hand jobs, ice cubes, kneeling, leather, lecturing, massage, medical scenes, nipple clamps, over-the-knee, phone sex, riding crops, rubber, sensory deprivation, spanking, strap-ons, swapping, swinging, tantric sex, teasing, uniforms, voyeurism, whipping, wrestling.

And these things don’t have to do done in bed! You can do them in the shower, on the stairs, on a golf course!

I’m not saying I work through this list every time I am intimate with woman but I am a curious person. I am a ‘what else’ person. I want to know what you want to do. I want to know what else you want to try. I want to know what you’ve always wanted to do but been afraid to ask.

You can always tell a vanilla woman because she wants to talk about dick size. Hell, there are been occasions where I’ve made love to a woman and not even got undressed!

And – fellas – trust me: there is no need to waste your time on vanilla: there are so many other flavours in the fridge!

MAKING LOVE

2010-10-26T21:14:00.005+01:00

MAKING LOVE

‘Making love’ is a huge number of things.

It is different kinds of kisses and different kinds of caresses, and a wide variety of body parts that appreciate kissing, licking, sucking and nibbling. ‘Making love’ is also oral sex, fingering, anal sex, mutual masturbation and vaginal sex in all sorts of positions. And, for the kinkier amongst us, ‘making love’ is also handcuffs, blindfolds, spanking and role play.

But you are definitely not ‘making love’ unless you feel love for that person. You are definitely not ‘making love’ unless the other person feels your love.

Sure, you can fuck for hours and make her cum but, if you have no love for her, it’s just sex.

And some of you may be very happy for no strings and no feelings attached sex, just don’t call it ‘making love’.

There is no such thing as ‘taking love’. There is giving love and making love but, if you are merely on the take, you are no use to anyone!

By the same token, if you genuinely have love for someone, you should be able to do anything and the other person should feel loved.

In fact, if there is love between two people, there is not even need for orgasm.

You might be saying, “No orgasm? What’s the point?”

Well, for some women, some arousal is better than no arousal so, even if they can’t cum, they still appreciate the intimacy.

Long, long ago, I once knew a young lady who just couldn’t orgasm. She was able to think about and talk about sex all day long, she was able to lubricate, her nipples became erect and her vaginal lips became engorged in blood and, when I made love to her, she entered such a trance-like state, she virtually spoke in tongues! In fact, it took several minutes of cuddling to get her back to a coherent state.

As far as I could see, she was a long way down the road; she just couldn’t reach her destination.

There could be a number of things preventing that peak of pleasure? Fear? Moral guilt? Religious guilt? A self-conscious feeling? Inhibition? Embarrassment? With her, I was never sure and yet, when we were together, I ensured she knew how I felt about her: loved.

The intimacy is the key and, if you genuinely feel for someone, you want to be intimate with them, and you want to express your love.

It is similar to cooking together; a wonderfully romantic act. Roll your sleeves up, mop the sweat from each other’s brows, get your hands sticky and, by the end of the meal, you should be truly satisfied.

BLUE BALLS

2010-10-11T11:50:00.003+01:00

BLUE BALLS

When a guy says he “needs” to cum, you might look at him sceptically but, in some cases, if he doesn’t, he’s going to be in pain!

Blue Balls is a term to describe the ache in the scrotum when a guy is unable to cum. It is part-physical, part-emotional and part-ego!

When a man gets aroused, he begins producing sperm. His testicles get ready to ejaculate.

So, you’re thinking to yourself, “Guys think about sex all the time; that means they have blue balls all the time?”

Well, to an extent. Men think about sex constantly but usually with no hope of actually getting any. If they are ‘on the pull’ and seem to be having success, then their nuts will really kick in! If the real possibility of real sex actually rears its ugly head, the testicles go into overdrive.

Having said that, guys can get there themselves by gorging and OD’ing on porn. An hour later, a guy can emerge from behind his PC/laptop and he is ready to fuck! Ready to fuck anything! Ready to say or do whatever it takes to get anything! A blow job will do. Hell, even a hand job will suffice.

After indulging (or over-indulging) on porn or some other kind of stimulus, men became horned monsters; lying, deceitful, conniving bastards. Shit, they will tell a chick anything she wants to hear!

So, you might be saying, “So, why don’t they just jerk off?” Well, here’s where the ego kicks in. After a while, even a guy gets bored of jerking off and, in his head, he’s thinking, “Fuck this! I need me some real pussy!”

So, the horny toad emerges from his cave and begins looking for a mate. Several beers later, he is talking shit like it’s going out of fashion because he’s so desperate to cum. And, yes, that sad look of desperation on his face really is desperation. It’s not a good look or an attractive look, but this poor guy is just trying to ease his pain.

And, in truth, guys are so much nicer after they’ve cum (one they’ve woken up!) The legendary madam Cynthia Payne once said that men are much nicer after they’ve “de-spunked”. Certainly, you can get much more truth out of a man once he’s cum.

So, if he’s promising you the world pre-cum and denying all knowledge of those words post-cum, you know he’s a lying shit.

Married/attached women would also be wise to take care of blue balls. If you want to keep your man quiet, keep him happy, keep him satisfied and/or keep him at home, just relieve that blockage. Do whatever it takes! To be honest, you don’t even need to look at him or talk to him as you give him his hand job. You can even carry on watching your favourite soap/sit-com/reality show or carry on talking on the phone to your girlfriend. He doesn’t care. He’s just happy to be cumming.

So, there you have it: if you think that guys are led by their dicks, it’s actually the balls that do the talking!

A Woman’s Prerogative

2010-09-06T23:42:00.003+01:00

A Woman’s Prerogative

Have you ever wondered what ‘a woman’s prerogative’ is?

If a prerogative is “an exclusive or special right, power or privilege”, what special privileges should we afford a woman?

Women will often say that it is their prerogative to be late. Particularly irritating if you were invited for 8.00 and you find yourself still pacing around downstairs at 8.20.

Of course, lateness is an inherent sign of disrespect. No woman would ever be late for the 60% Off Prada sale, but she has no problem making her partner wait, which is why corporal punishment should be brought back into modern relationships.

Nevertheless, we should afford women special privileges regarding physical and mental health.

Men will never experience menstruation, child birth and a myriad of complications regarding the reproductive system, so men should do the decent thing and totally embrace such matters. As most men are totally obsessed with pussy, they should attempt to achieve a total month’s perspective on the vagina.

But also, because of the way women are made, they worry about more stuff than men do. Most men are quite happy to bumble through life, content to leave birth dates and anniversaries to the woman, content to leave the details of the house and holiday to her, and more than happy to leave the assorted, confused and contradictory feelings of their friends and family to her as well.

Thus, when men approach women, and hope to encounter an aroused and uninhibited sex kitten, what they usually discover is a tired, stressed, bloated and wary woman, carrying 43 people’s emotional baggage!

So, the special privilege I grant all women is personal space, and the freedom to be as vexed and frustrated as they like. I also offer them the opportunity to unpack some of that baggage, and discuss some universal concepts about men that women never seem to grasp. (No. 1 on that list being, “Why are men unable to be faithful?”)

Unfortunately, despite men’s fixation on the hole between her legs, women will still fuss about every aspect of their appearance, and will fret unnecessarily about their legs, arms, feet etc. Add to that, a woman’s paranoia about the inadequacies of her wardrobe, and you have a more complete picture of why ‘slack’ is unquestionably a woman’s prerogative. Her worries may be irrational but it’s simpler just to cut her some slack!

In addition to a woman’s concerns regarding her own body, she will also have a strong sense of her own image. She will not want to be seen doing the wrong thing.

Thus, another female prerogative is the right to be moral. Not necessarily an alien concept to most men, but one which they’d rather draw a veil over. As in, “Yeah, I know I’m married, but sex with my wife is crap!”

So, if you want to earn a woman’s respect, allow morality to be her prerogative. Grant her the privilege of being your conscience. 99 times out of 100, she will be suggesting the right course of action.

But, who am I to grant ‘special privileges’? Well, I am a man with grip on a woman’s prerogative, whereas most men really couldn’t give a flying fuck! For most men, particularly the new breed that can get sex easily over the net, there is just one consideration and one question, “Are you up for it or not?”

Many of today’s men only have one use of the word ‘prerogative’ and that is to sing along to Bobby Brown!

I would suggest that more men would have better relationships with more women if they granted her special privileges.

What Are Men Good At?

2010-08-30T14:49:00.003+01:00

What Are Men Good At?

Well, maybe the first list we should create is what men are NOT good at!

Men are NOT good at telling the truth. Or, rather, they can be very sparing with the precise details of the truth.

Men are NOT good at committing or settling down. They want to be virile, free and wild stallions for as long as they can. Way into their forties and fifties, they will still be chasing tail, to see if they’ve still got ‘it’. It’s an ego boost to know you still got ‘it’. (Women don’t need to worry about such stuff because men proposition them all day every day! Anybody with a pussy has got ‘it’!)

Men are NOT good at discussing their feelings. What the hell is ‘a feeling’ anyway? Men know when they’re hungry. They know what that feels like. They feel disappointment when their team loses. (That hurts like hell!) But, what actually is ‘love’? Does anyone know? When will a guy know he’s in love? He might experience feelings of jealousy when he sees his girl talking to another guy? Is that love? He might experience feelings of loneliness when she’s not around? Is that love? Jeez, how can a guy discuss things, when he doesn’t even know what they are?

Men are NOT good at interpreting women’s words, actions and moods. I think we’ve established that men and women come from different planets, thus women are hoping that men will be naturally bi-lingual. What are the chances of that, sister? Do not expect men to understand the language you speak.

So, what are men good at?

Well, although men frustrate the hell out of women, women just cannot resist them!

Even though men break hearts, treat women like shit, emotionally (and physically) abuse, women just love that thing that men do! And what is that ‘thing’ that men do? Oh, you know! They are just men!

They look good without even trying. They even look good when they look like shit! They have a twinkle in their eye that says, “Really wanna fuck you right now!” They have broad shoulders and muscular arms. They hold you tight. They shrug their shoulders and don’t give a damn. And, most important of all, they are masculine.

And some guys even have skills! They can paint and decorate, put up shelves and assemble IKEA madness, they can change plugs and bulbs, and kill huge spiders. Some can even cook! And then there are the rare ones who actually appreciate the female body and know how to make love! (Truly, rare breeds!)

But even the guys who have skills have bad points! He may be able to lay the turf in your garden, but he then drags his muddy boots into the front room! He may be able to relax you with a sensual massage, but he hates your favourite TV show and talks all the way through it!

Some women actually believe that Mr. Right will be perfect. And, if he’s not, they can mould him in their own image (like God!)

The bad news is ... perfection does not exist. Mr. Right may be far from perfect! And I’m talking FAAARRR from perfect!

Girls, the bad news is ... that thing you’re waiting for ... that guy who will sweep you off your feet ... he may not exist! So, just like the T-shirt says: stop waiting for Mr. Right; you may actually have more fun with Mr. Right-Now!

Thank God For Naughty Girls!

2010-08-23T01:35:00.005+01:00

Thank God For Naughty Girls!

They wish they could be good! They know they could be good if they tried! It even feels good to be good but, try as they might, some girls just can’t resist being naughty!

Thank God for naughty girls!

In the traditional, primitive, male-orientated, male-dominated world, your ordinary guy wants to marry ‘a good girl’.

But what the fuck is ‘a good girl’?

Is it a girl who will be faithful? In other words: a girl who will put up with my shit while I sleep with my secretary.

Is it a girl who is shy and demure? In other words: can I be assured that she won’t flash too my cleavage when she goes to work (while I get a blow job from the new receptionist.)

Is ‘a good girl’ a virgin or a sexually-inexperienced woman? Who the fuck wants one of them? A sexually-inexperienced woman will be of no use to you when your boring, married sex life needs spicing up. She will be all like, “Oh, no, I can’t do that!”

And so, men – dumb motherfuckers that they are - tend to marry someone who is all of the above, and spend the rest of their days craving a crazy, reckless, uninhibited freak!

Fortunately – and this is truly a blessing – naughty girls gravitate towards me! They can see that I’m open-minded and non-judgemental, and they know they can say any damn thing they like and I won’t be shocked. And they can behave any way they like! I allow them to be themselves. I allow their curious and adventurous side to come out and play!

They don’t always want to ‘play’ with me but they always know they will have an enlightening conversation with me.

And why do I love naughty girls so much?

Because they swallow.

Because they carry pocket vibrators in their bags and masturbate on public transport.

Because they allow you to do that thing you’ve always wanted to do.

Because they are not naive.

Because they’re not interested in the details of your mundane life.

Because they drink too much.

Because they have great underwear and love to show it off.

Because they have photos of themselves naked and don’t mind you having them.

Because they know how the male body works.

Because they know what NOT to say and what NOT to do during sex.

Because they’re not afraid to belch.

Because they fuck you with such enthusiasm.

And the ironic thing is that most people view naughty girls as vacuous hedonists.

They imagine – these brilliant minds – that loose morals means loose brain cells. They actually dismiss naughty girls as being bimbos. A misconception! Naughty girls come from all backgrounds! In fact, as no one knows what goes on behind closed doors, many would be surprised how great minds are often open minds.

And, most important of all, naughty girls are the life and soul of the party! How dull life would be without them. God bless them all!

(And thank you to ‘anonymous’ for this snap of her delicious-looking pussy!)

CLEAN TALK

2010-07-25T21:48:00.007+01:00

Clean Talk

I vividly remember one particular hand job. Not that the hand job didn’t feel good (an expert two-handed, multi-tasking technique) but, in a moment of greedy madness, I asked the woman to supplement it with some dirty talk.

I hate all that porn movie crap, so I wasn’t looking for, “I love your cock!” or “I love to make you cum, baby!” I love stories. Anecdotes. Moments. Comments. Sadly, this lady’s dirty talk ended-up being very clean. And nothing shrinks my dick like clean talk!

To be fair, good dirty talk is hard to come by. Even the brightest of women struggle to rise above the boring, “Who’s pussy is it?” clichés! As a writer, dirty talk comes as easily to me as dirty fiction.

Needless to say, there are loads of jokes floating around the internet about THE LAST things men want to hear in bed.

a) “Is it in yet?”
b) “You’re not as big as my husband.”
c) “What time does ‘The Apprentice’ start?”
d) “That’s not how my ex used to do it.”
e) “Can we just cuddle?”

All of these jokes are at men’s expense and are, in many cases, well deserved. Many men have got a stock set of moves that they will trot out time and time again.

What I am learning is: if a woman’s dirty talk routine is as clean as a church sermon, we may as well leave that item off the menu!

And what about other items? What if other items have to come off the menu?

Although I love the very jizz that spurts from a woman, they also say things that are genuinely cause for concern:

a) “Uh uh! That is exit only!”
b) “I’m not really into pain!”
c) “I hate my body!”

All of these statements shut down spontaneity and can cause instant shrinkage and, the more things that come off the menu, the more mundane the loving!

Again, truly naughty women are hard to come by. Few women are relaxed, uninhibited, comfortable with their bodies and in control of their orgasm. They might need it and want it, but their heart, their emotions (and sometimes their conscience) paralyse them.

Arguably, the No. 1 reason that many women cannot truly enjoy sex is that men label women that enjoy sex as ‘sluts’. No ordinary woman wants to be called a ‘slut’ or feel as if she is behaving like one. So, to add to the long list of dumb things that men do, it is men themselves that actually hinder, handicap and prevent more women from admitting they like sex and truly enjoying it.

For me, no woman is a ‘slut’. Even if she wanted to be called one, I couldn’t say it. The word just isn’t in my vocabulary. As far as I can see, all women enjoy sex (to differing degrees) and, if you enjoy it, then I am happy for you. You are not a slut. You are happy. And, in this unforgiving, high pressure world, everyone deserves a little happiness every now and then.

As far as I’m concerned, ‘dirty’ is NOT a dirty word.

(And thank you so much to ‘Anonymous’ for sending me a delightful snapshot of her delicious-looking pussy!)

EGO THAT WAY

2010-07-12T23:07:00.004+01:00

EGO THAT WAY

No, the world does not revolve around you!

Are you surprised by that comment?

No, the world isn’t amused by your tweets on Twitter. No, the world isn’t intrigued by your status updates on Facebook. No, the world isn’t holding its breath waiting for your new blog.

The world doesn’t revolve around you and 99% of the people on this planet don’t know who you are!

I realised – a long time ago – I am an insignificant animal on this planet. Almost as miniscule as an ant but probably not as strong! My life could be extinguished in a moment. I could get hit by a car or contract a terminal illness tomorrow. I am certain some people would cry over my demise, but the world would not spin off its axis.

Yes, I have an ego. I admit it. But, even with my huge ego, I am also happy to admit that I am no one. I am invisible.

Some people contact me and immediately ask me to do something. How fucking dumb is that? No, my life does not revolve around you. Do you know how busy I am? Do you know how tired I am? No. Do you care? No, because you imagine the world revolves around you!

Will anyone read this blog? Maybe. Those that do: I truly appreciate it. I don’t expect you to read my blog, because the world does not revolve around me, but I will be grateful if you do.

When you are late for a meeting with me? What does it say about you? It says that I am not that important to you. If I told you, “I can promise you the best sexual experience of your life tomorrow at 3.00pm.” What time would you turn up? 2.55pm. Probably, 2.30pm!

My life does not revolve around you. If you are 20 minutes late, you have wasted 20 minutes of my life. If three people do that in a week, I have lost an hour. If that happens every week of the year, I have lost 52 hours. If that happens for 20 years of my life, that is 1040 hours, or 43 days and, in my world, that is more than my annual holiday allowance!

In your world, I’m sure your work, your hopes and your dreams are vitally important to you, but please don’t contact me only when you need something. I would have more respect for you if you were to say, “I need you to do this. If you do it, I will do this for you in return.” That works for me. It’s called trade.

And the world is full of people that imagine the world revolves around them. They have no interest in you, your opinions or your needs. They have no interest in your future. They will do anything or say anything they can to separate you from your money or get you to vote for them. Remember, to make himself look respectful, the con man always wears a tie.

In this ‘Me Me Me’ world, I am shocked by anyone who takes the slightest interest in me. And, when I take an interest in you, I don’t expect your gratitude, I just hope we can make a trade.

WWWL

2010-06-20T15:59:00.004+01:00

WWWL

There used to be just a web of lies. Life was simple. One person would tell one story to one person, and another story to another person and, before you knew it: anger, deceit, betrayal; a web of lies. Ah, life used to be so simple!

Now, we have the information super-highway and a far more fast and effective way of telling lies, giving false information, and influencing a whole generation of people with prejudice and propaganda. Welcome to the WWWL: The World Wide Web Of Lies!

I recently read a blog about blogging, in which one woman stated, “I want to be kinkier then I am ... I do not want to be as kinky as some of you ...”

Don’t worry, love, most of these people are not kinky at all! BDSM is not kinky! Hell, there is an Ann Summers on every street corner! These shops sell crops, paddles, collars and handcuffs. Bondage and corporal punishment stopped being ‘kinky’ about 20 years ago!

Some bloggers like to document in glorious detail how kinky they are. Good grief! The WWWL does a great job of making these people appear attractive and sexual but, when you hook up with them, they say, “Oh, no, I don’t do anal!”

The simple profile pic has fooled a million people! Sometimes, Mr. 45-Year-Old will put a photo of himself when he was 25! Sometimes, Miss 300 Pounds will put a photo of herself when she was 150 pounds! Lighting and make-up can make the plainest Jane look like Megan and Beyonce combined!

The WWWL can also make fans look like experts. You go to a page full of dates, statistics and photos, and you imagine it is authoritative! The spelling mistakes and grammatical errors will expose these people every time! And then there are the sad anecdotes about how about they shook Lady Gaga’s hand at a record signing, or managed to get a backstage laminate at a Rihanna gig!

And then, of course, we have the simple, common-or-garden, bog standard, incorrect statement. I won’t even dignify it by calling it ‘a fact’. The World Wide Web Of Lies makes some people believe they are popular, makes them believe they are in love, makes them believe they are in a relationship! The WWWL is almost as spell-binding as the visual effects in blockbuster movies. Hell, they first had Superman flying with Lois Lane in his arms in 1978. 32 years later, some bloggers, Facebookers and Twits actually believe they have superpowers, and that they are smart, beautiful and famous!

In fact, we should probably be sceptical about many of the things we read online. Chat is a convenient tool but, in the hands of a poor wordsmith, a run-of-the-mill conversation can go badly wrong. Without intonation and facial expressions, you can’t read whether someone is joking or serious, can’t tell whether someone is being witty or sarcastic. When ‘chatting’, before you jump down someone’s throat, take a few seconds to get clarification.

The World Wide Web Of Lies is a bountiful cornucopia of half-truths, mis-truths, gossip, rumour and scandal. Life used to be so simple. We used to have a Town Crier who used to stand on the steps of the town clock in the town square and read the local news. Now, every item of news has a political bias, every comment by every pundit is valid, and we have an international cast of deluded fools claiming to represent the truth.

And thanks to my French buddy 'sidsid' for another photograph of his beautiful wife!

ATTENTION

2010-06-16T19:39:00.002+01:00

ATTENTION

I’ve got a female friend who went to a local dance the other night.

She had a good time. She met up with all her old school friends and girls she used to play netball with. They had a laugh and reminisced about old times. Everyone looked pretty much the same, the relationships were the same, the hierarchy was the same, and the same boys still had crushes on the same girls.

She remarked how much fun the girls had laughing at the boys. Here they all were: 20 years later, some married, some with kids, but the boys now all had a middle-aged spread and a receding hairline.

“That’s kinda cruel!” I said to her. “We all change. Time catches up with us.”

“I guess so,” she said, “but they were all using the same old lines!” And she laughed. “They didn’t get it back then and they’re not getting it now!”

And that seemed even crueler to me! They weren’t getting it: fair enough. They’re never going to get it: fair enough. But don’t laugh at a brother for trying!

God, women are so spoilt! If they didn’t get any attention at all, how would they feel?

And here were these guys: they lusted after her when she was a teenager, they still wanted her when she became a woman and, 20 years later, they were still trying it on! Why wouldn’t you take that as a compliment!

We’re all agreed that most men are dumb. We’re all agreed that most men are unreliable, untrustworthy and unpredictable. Yeah, I get that, but don’t ridicule a guy for desiring you! Didn’t you dress up to be admired?

Spare a thought for the optimist: the guy who’s been knocked back several times over the course of several decades. As the cliché goes: if you don’t ask, you don’t get!

Ps
Many thanks to my French buddy ‘sidsid’ for more photos of his fabulous wife! The illustration shows two of my favourite things: juicy labia lips and golden showers!

THE CROSSROADS

2010-06-06T15:24:00.002+01:00

THE CROSSROADS

I have a daughter, a granddaughter, two nieces, countless female cousins and I work in the pop music world. I may not be a woman, but I am more than qualified to talk about teenage girls.

In addition, there was a time when I was a teenage boy and I had to actually date these insane creatures!

Pretty early, little boys start chasing little girls and, when they catch them, they kiss them! And little girls, as young as six or seven, love being chased by little boys; they love the attention and they love being kissed.

But when those boys hit puberty and start masturbating, then it all goes painfully wrong. While the girls have been taught about love, marriage and family, the boys just want to cum! While the girls have read about romance, courtship and the mythical ‘one’, the boys just want to cum! While the girls know all the words to love songs that talk about falling in love, staying in love, holding back love, showing love, giving love, living love, the boys just want to cum! (Do you see a pattern emerging here?)

Eventually boys decide they would like a girlfriend. They might be as young as 16? But again, at this point, boys and girls are on a different page! Teenage boys and girls reach a point in the road; a metaphorical crossroads, one fork points to a lifetime of commitment and one fork points to regular sex. Guess which fork the girls take? And guess which fork the boys take?

But at what age are men and women on the same page? Are they ever on the same page? Do men ever want to settle down? In a word: no. They love the idea of ‘a wife’ because they like home cooked food and regular sex, but do they like being ‘married’? Hell, no!

So, how they hell have we evolved? How the hell does any family stay together? By the grace of God, I guess, and I don’t even believe in God!

So, what lessons should you teach your female children? (And will they even listen to you?)

It’s astonishing that generation after generation of teenage girls make the same dumb mistakes:

a) They imagine their boyfriend will stay with them forever;
b) They fail to see the bad in their beloved;
c) They imagine that having a child will help the relationship;
d) They always seem to have an ‘accident’ and fall pregnant

Fortunately, they have your unconditional love, but how frustrating are teenage girls? 21st Century mothers will take their daughters to the clinic to get them condoms and birth control pills. 21st Century mothers will tell their daughters as much as they can without blushing. 21st Century will hold their daughters in their arms and attempt to mend their broken hearts, and yet teenage girls still go off and do the same dumb things!

And when do teenage girls become women? When they hit 20? Do women magically mature at 20? I think not! There are some twentysomething and thirtysomething women still making teenage mistakes! Remember: this hottie with the washboard stomach is not interested in being your husband! After months in the gym, he’s finally got a washboard stomach and he’s going to show it to every chick that wants to see it!

So, how the hell do you snare a good man? Like snare him good and proper! Well, what have you got to offer? Yes, that’s right, you heard me: let’s create a list. What can you do? What are you good at? What do you actually bring to the table? The longer your list, the better! Size matters!

And, as you watch kids play kiss chase, is there really anything you can say to protect them from the brutal realities of life? Is there anything you can say to convince them that growing-up is overrated and, if possible, they should hold on to their childhood for as long as possible? Probably not.

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

2010-06-01T00:19:00.002+01:00

GREAT EXPECTATIONS

Nothing ever runs to plan. You should know that by now!

To paraphrase Robert Burns, the best laid plans of mice and men will often go awry!

And let’s not forget Sod’s Law, which dictates that if something is going to go wrong, you can’t stop it from going wrong! No matter how many precautions you take, Sod’s Law will sabotage you!

And here’s another cliché: failure to prepare is preparation for failure! I firmly endorse that and try, to the best of my ability, to be organised and on time. And yet Sod’s Law can negate that preparation, almost like a trump card that no one has heard of!

Chaos Theory is actually just a lot of very frustrated people.

And so people enter into their love lives with the same naive, poorly-managed optimism. Not only do they fail to prepare themselves for the selection process but, in the unlikely event they find someone decent, they fail to prepare for their relationship. Having said that, even if they do, something will go wrong!

In truth, it’s an absolute miracle that any relationship lasts beyond a few minutes. It’s never going to be exactly as we like it but, if we at least prepare, it might last beyond the first date!

The thing that puzzles me is that people continue to say, “I don’t know what went wrong!”

What do you mean? You were incompatible: that’s why it went wrong! He was married: that’s why it went wrong! She was a prude: that’s why it went wrong! He was crap in bed: that’s why it went wrong! She was still in love with her ex: that’s why it went wrong!

And even if you’re compatible in a variety of ways, do you still expect it to go well? Are you crazy?

Our expectations are all ridiculous. Certain facts we know. The sex will be amazing for 12 months and you’ll want it at any time in any place. Then, after 12 months, you’ll both be, “Meh!” Once a month, if you can be bothered!

Certain facts we know. After a while, one or both parties will start looking at other potential partners. There will be petty arguments in the home about crap. And, like my dad always said, those nasty, little habits you found cute will, all of a sudden, irritate the fuck out of you!

Certain facts we know. After a while, both parties will take each other for granted. He will totally forget how loving and supportive she is. She will totally forget that he gives a great massage. He will totally forget that she spends hours making the home look good. And she will totally forget that he’s a great father.

Certain facts we know. If a wife doesn’t relieve her husband several times a week, he will stray and, if a husband doesn’t listen to his wife, she will find someone else to ‘talk’ to.

What did you expect? Did you honestly think you were smart enough to iron out all the creases?

Certain facts we know, Sod’s Law will bend you over and anally penetrate you with even bothering to lube you up first! But, at the very least, do two things: look before you leap, and don’t expect miracles!

AS YOU LIKE IT

2010-05-22T19:03:00.003+01:00

AS YOU LIKE IT

Who has exactly the kind of sex life they want? Who gets it exactly how they want it? Who gets it as often as they would like? Anyone?

Or maybe that’s an unfair question? Perfection is impossible. No one has the perfect sex life. Maybe it would be easier to ask: how many are happy in their sex life?

Hmm ... maybe that’s an unsatisfactory question too? I suspect very few of us are happy in our sex lives.

Single people are unhappy because they have little control and can sometimes get lonely. Married people are unhappy because they’re bored. Those with lovers are frustrated. Those that use escorts are wasting a lot of money.

In short, we all spend a lot of time and effort trying to find a few hours in our week (or our month) that might be exciting and fulfilling. Or they might not?

If I was normal, it would be fine. If I was happy with normal, vanilla, missionary nonsense, it would be cool. But it’s not cool. Not cool at all. I want it all the time. And I want to do weird and nasty shit! I want photos, I want spanking, I want bondage, I want anal, I want cross-dressing, I want group scenes! Hell, you can even throw a golden shower in there, if you like!

What are the chances of all of that happening in an evening? Very slim. Very damn slim! What will I have to make to do with? One or two.

And some of you will think, “You’re bloody lucky to get one or two!” And maybe I am? But I want more. I am a greedy bastard. It is not as I would like it.

And, how about you? Are you getting what you need? What you desire? What you yearn for? And are you sleeping with the person you really want to be doing the nasty with?

Are you satisfied? I’m willing to wager my nads that no one has put their hand up to say, “Yes, I am truly satisfied!”

And how truly fucked-up is that?

We live our lives in a permanent state of dissatisfaction.

But, in a perverse way, it makes those special moments that much more precious. We all have a few truly naughty and dirty memories that make us feel like sexual beings, and we plot and scheme to get back there; we use all our ingenuity to hear someone say, “As you like it.”

DIRTY PICTURE

2010-05-14T21:42:00.003+01:00

DIRTY PICTURE

UK R&B star Taio Cruz has just released a new single called ‘Dirty Picture’. The chorus goes, “Take a dirty picture for me ...”

What Taio is saying is, “... if you send me an intimate photograph of yourself, I will know that you like me and you trust me.”

If a woman sends me any kind of intimate photo of herself, I know that she likes and trusts me and, needless to say, it’s a trust that will not be abused (unless she asks to be featured in my blog!)

By the same token, a woman that won’t share intimate photos with you may like you but she doesn’t trust you. In addition, she may have insecurities about her body, which means she will be an inhibited lover. Personally, there are few things less attractive than a woman with hang-ups about her body! Shake what your mama gave you! If I’m naked in the same room as you then, sister, your body looks good to me!

For me, exhibitionism must be consensual. If it will excite you, I will send you photos of me. If I can excite you, then I am happy and aroused.

As you would expect, women are a lot more subtle with their exhibitionism, as it forms a normal part of their everyday life. Women love to be looked at and wear clothes than accentuate their curves. The more men admire and adore, the happier they are: mission accomplished. Those that can offer cleavage ensure that their breasts are showcased properly. Those with an apple bottom make sure that is suitably highlighted.

And, if woman is in the presence of someone she is attracted to, she will ensure she bends over, leans forward or flashes whatever she can, safe in the knowledge that no man will ever be outraged or insulted.

Men flashing women is a part of exhibitionism but, for me, the key difference is that it’s non-consensual. This woman you are flashing may be amused at seeing your dick, and there is even a feint possibility that she may be aroused but, more often than not, she is NOT interested in what you’re flashing. In some cases, she may be upset or even traumatised. Thus, ‘flashing’ is often only a sexual act for the flasher!

Sadly, some of these deluded flashers are thinking, “Secretly, she likes it!” In most cases, nothing could be further from the truth!

Sites such as Chatroulette have become the lazy way to flash. Ladies, if you don’t like watching men wank, don’t go to Chatroulette. Having said that, if it seems like a fun way of having a girls night-in, sites such as Chatroulette won’t disappoint. But at least these sites are consensual. You have a choice. If you don’t want to see a million dicks, don’t log on!

Any many thanks to my new French buddy Sidsid, who was very anxious to share this fabulous photo of his sexy wife!

HAPPINESS

2010-04-22T23:43:00.003+01:00

HAPPINESS

No, it’s not your imagination. Life really is getting harder!

“Greed is good!” Fictional character Gordon Gecko uttered these immortal words in Oliver Stone’s ‘Wall Street’ but, to be honest, I don’t think certain people needed to be told that. Greedy people don’t care whether greed is good or bad, they want more! And, if necessary, they will take yours as well! And, if necessary, they will fire you, to save money, so they can have more!

More, more, more!

They’ve got millions, but they want more! They’ve got three garages full of 15 cars, but they want more! They’ve got three houses, several mistresses, exclusive club memberships, and a walk-in closet, but they still want more! They don’t care about you! They don’t care how hard they’re working you, they don’t care how little you are being paid, and they certainly don’t care how you have to struggle. They don’t even care if you become a homeless wino!

In short, the richer are getting richer, and the poor are growing up number!

We folk in the middle ... well ... we’ve got electricity and internet connection! At least we have that! And, as far as I can see, there are a lot of people on here that are loved and have good sex lives, and you can’t put too high a price on that! Love and good sex are priceless! If you’ve got those two things – hey! - even if you’ve only got one of those things, you are blessed!

No, this isn’t going to be the “count your blessings” speech ... okay ... maybe, just a little!

Happiness: who has it? How much do you have?

Okay, let me ask another question: how many of you have got friends that are struggling? How many of you who have got friends who actually claim to be ‘depressed’? Life really is getting harder! It’s hard to find work, hard to find friends, hard to find love and, though it’s easy to get laid, you can’t always guarantee it will be good!

Right now, I love my life. I’ve actually got certain routines that I love! I have lots of stuff in my life that makes me happy. That’s right, the stupid look on my face is not constipation; it’s a smile!

Happiness: who has it? How much do you have? Have you got stuff in your life that makes you smile? Do you know people that actually make you laugh out loud? Boy, how lucky are you!

And, to quote another famous movie, “You've got to ask yourself one question: do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?”

THE FORMULA

2010-04-17T09:36:00.004+01:00

THE FORMULA

I am enjoying a new trend that is developing. Another female subscriber has sent me a picture of herself. Step forward Rita!

Rita was telling me a little about herself and described a man who said to her, “Once you have slept with ten men, you will understand men, but you must make sure they are all different!” So, Rita did, and – she says - he was right!

“Were they really all different?” I asked.

“Yes.”

“And what did you learn?”

Rita then proceeded to tell me what most men already know: trying to classify men as one generic group is naive in the extreme. Some are smart, some are dumb. Some want to commit, some don’t. Some are ambitious, some aren’t. Some have got skills, some ain’t. They come in all shapes and sizes, and we are not just talking about the penis!

“And don’t even ask me how many I’ve been with!” she said.

There is no point in asking a woman such a question. She will never tell you the truth. Why? Two reasons: a) if the number is too high, you may freak out; b) you will invariably want to know if you are the best. And, ladies, at that point, you may have to tell your first white lie!

In such instances, women will usually half the truth and subtract a few for good measure! The number will end up at about five. Five is a manageable number. Ten is too many, eight is too close to ten, but five is respectable. Whether it’s the truth or not!

Women always have some kind of formula to calculate such things!

So, study Rita’s vagina carefully and take a guess at how many penises have breached those sugar walls. Who knows? The truth is: you and I will never know!

And why did that guy suggest to her that she should sleep with ten other men?

Probably so she could learn how to make love! Women can joke about the penis all they like, they can ridicule premature ejaculation too, but there is nothing more disappointing than a woman who doesn’t know how to fuck!

So, ladies, there is no point sleeping with a whole set of men if: a) they’re not going to teach you something new and, b) you’re not going to learn something new! (That is assuming they have something to teach you!)

And, remember, if you’re going to say, “Five,” make sure you don’t have the tricks of a ‘Ten’!

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

2010-04-08T12:55:00.002+01:00

ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE

“Oh Jesus!” you’re thinking, “not another blog about love!”

Well, this blog is not strictly about love. It’s more about gratitude.
Very few women can totally separate their brain from their erogenous zones. For most women, if their heads ain’t right, the ‘head’ may not be good.

And, in some cases, there are some sensitive men who feel the same. After a while, mere orgasm is not enough. Eventually, men want more. They want connection. They want rapport. They want company.

Thank God women are sensitive! Thank goodness they need an emotional connection! Men complain that women are too emotional but, in truth, if a woman wasn’t, how would a man feel the love of a good woman? Those magical parts of a woman’s brain and heart will hold a family together, put food on a table and forgive your ass for its indiscretions.

And although it may have been simplistic of The Beatles to sing, “All you need is love,” I think much love is taken from granted.

We all want someone to be in love with us and, in most cases, we want that person to be ours but, in truth, we don’t ‘own’ anyone. Anyone we fall in love with has a whole network of friends and relatives who need them, and will pull on their time and energy.

And even though your partner may frustrate you at times, they are giving you as much love as they can. It may not be every single ounce of love in their body but don’t take it for granted.

Friends and lovers will enter your life. Hopefully, they won’t exit. Again, these people give you as much love as they’ve got. Don’t take it for granted. Maybe you feel you deserve more? But then, like Oliver Twist, we all want more. These friends and lovers – maybe they are both? – will give you as much love as they’ve got and, when you inevitably ask for more love, they will make the effort to give more.

Even your dear old mum only has so much love in her heart! Yes, she loves you unconditionally but, as a matriarch, she will accumulate loved ones. Never take her love for granted. That would truly be a sin!

The love you receive from someone may not be precisely the kind and amount of love you need (or feel your deserve) but every human being only has so much blood, only so much patience, only so much compassion and only so much love. Love does not grow on trees. Love is not a bottomless pit. I don’t think your partner, lover or friend expects a ‘thank you’ but, if somebody loves you, don’t take it for granted.

(My illustration again comes from Ricardo in Gloucester, who writes, “Thank you so much for featuring my wife’s boobs on your blog. She loved it! My pictures are duff, so she takes them herself! Hope you like it!)

OVER-CONFIDENCE

2010-04-05T21:23:00.001+01:00

OVER-CONFIDENCE

One young lady used a very interesting word in her comments on my last blog.
She used the word ‘over-confidence’.
She suggested that one of the reasons friends jeopardise their relationships by sleeping with each other was over-confidence. Friends know it’s a risky thing to do, but they still go ahead and do it! Why? Over-confidence.
We all think we’re so bloody clever! We take countless risks every day. Why? It’s not just over-confidence; we actually think we are indestructible! Invincible! Immortal! Like those super-heroes we see on the big screen!
Not only do we sleep with our friends, we spend money we don’t have, we drive while drunk, we drive while tired, we have unprotected sex with strangers, we invest money in things we have no knowledge of, we go into business with people we don’t really know. We take risks each and every day. Why? Because we are over-confident and, in some cases, we are just plain stupid!
But what’s the option? Being measured? Considered? Logical? How many people do you know that are measured, considered and logical? And, in the heat of passion, who the fuck can be bothered with logic?
Another option is: caution. I know ‘timid’ is a scary word but timid people rarely have any drama in their life. Having said that, timid people rarely have any life at all! Wallflowers blend into the background. They cause no fuss and no ripples. Those that err on the side of caution will always be in control. Well, they will appear to be in control but, as we know, the inner turmoil inside them will be bubbling hotter than fiery furnace!
The balanced option is by far the best option. Don’t take risks: risks are dumb, but don’t let this policy turn you into a hermit. Life is for living, after all, but just be smart! If you’re smart, there’s no excuse for being stupid!
And, in truth, it is vital in life to have an ego. The hip hop fraternity have created a great word: hater. A hater is a jealous person. Someone who is envious of whatever you’ve got. Someone who begrudges you your success. Someone who used to be your friend when you both had nothing but, now that you have something, they are resentful of your achievements.
In order to repel haters, it is important to let your ego do its job. Having a thick skin is almost key to this existence. In your armoury, you should have the ability to say to yourself, “I’m good. I know I’m good. And none of you haters are going to tell me any different!”
In such instances, surrounded by haters, cynics, nay-sayers and doubters, it is important to be confident. Even, at times, over-confident.

WHEN HARRY MET ... FANNY

2010-04-01T22:31:00.001+01:00

When Harry Met ... Fanny
So, everyone knows the story of ‘When Harry Met Sally’: a man and a woman are having a wonderful, platonic friendship and, as soon as they sleep together, it completely throws the friendship off kilter.
It’s the ideal friendship: they are loving, supportive and sensitive, they share everything together (except bodily fluids), there are hugs and kisses on the cheek; it is just as a woman would want, minus sex! And, they are two smart people; they must know that sex changes everything, and yet they still go ahead and do it!
Two questions: a) why does sex change everything, and b) why can’t men and women ever be platonic friends?
Many women have gay, male friends. These women are cruelly called ‘fag hags’ and they would all be lost without their gay, male friends. These guys are perfect! They know how to dress, they know how to dress you, they love shopping, they are more than happy to talk about men and will sit on the sofa with you, eat chocolates and watch weepy, fifties movies. Unfortunately, when you are feeling frisky, they will not want to chow down on your pussy!
Why can’t women and their heterosexual male friends do that? Why can’t the two parties keep their clammy paws off each other? Well, in short, it’s available. It’s right there, on a plate. It’s simple, quick and easy. No dating, no courtship, no gifts, no fumbling, no disappointments; just two friends who care about and are attracted to each other. It is a mutually beneficial arrangement.
Hence, the term ‘friends with benefits’ but – as sex changes the dynamic of a relationship – how many of these FWB relationships work? And, when things change, what actually changes?
In some cases, one of the friends starts being ‘relationshipish’. As in, they begin treating the friend like their partner and begin demanding fidelity. That is definitely NOT what the other FWB party wants!
In other cases, one of the friends falls deeply in love. They decide to throw their heart, soul, personality, expectations and all their feelings into a single relationship. Again, definitely NOT what the other FWB party wants!
And so, a million friendships go from good times to really bad and painful times. Very sad but, sometimes, when you cross that nookie threshold, you are entering a minefield of very sensitive emotions, which could blow up in your face (and not in a good way!)
Again, I keep coming back to the question: why can’t two intelligent people exercise some restraint? Why can’t one male and one female friend ever do the smart thing? I guess – in some cases – they are thinking, “Come on, this is ridiculous! We are smart friends, we are real friends! And we won’t allow sex to mess up our friendship.” And, sometimes, it doesn’t!

(The illustration for this blog comes from Ricardo in Gloucester, who writes, “I am tired of looking at your dick. Here is a picture of my wife’s boobs!”)

MIND OVER MATTER

2010-03-27T19:19:00.001Z

MIND OVER MATTER
This blog is for guys who have had unsatisfactory sex.
Blogger is full of the most amazing stories, fantasies and images. At face value, you would think that most women on this planet are constantly dripping wet, forever bent over and always in the middle of a mind-blowing orgasm.
If only that were true and, if it is, show me where these women are!
In truth, most women are too busy, tired or depressed to feel horny. They yearn for great sex but they just don’t have time! And, naturally, many women just can’t find a suitable partner (trying to find someone single and sane must be a bitch!)
Some of them have deeper-rooted problems: self-esteem, for instance. Insecurity will put a spanner in the works every time! If a woman doesn’t feel attractive or sexual, she will stutter in the bedroom.
Some women have moral issues: if their lover has a partner/wife; that will play on their mind. And some may even have a religious moral issue: as in, good girls don’t and, if they do, they shouldn’t enjoy it!
Fortunately, some women are focused. They know who they want, they know what they want, and nothing is going to stop them from getting what they need!
Or, guys, is it you?
That’s right, welcome to the second half of this blog.
“Maybe I’m just not good enough?” A guy will rarely think that. As men find it so easy to orgasm, they very rarely think about anything, let alone whether they are good enough! But for a man who has made love yet failed to make his partner orgasm, all of a sudden, the doubts begin to creep in. At that point, the sensitive man will begin to think: “Is it me?”
Well, brother, it might be? You thought you had moves, but maybe you don’t?
Which can be unfortunate because, in some cases, the two people involved might genuinely like each other? He might have her best interests at heart, she might have his best interests at heart but, for one reason or another, it just doesn’t click. There are no fireworks!
In such instances – and this might sound crazy – it’s best to put orgasm aside. In such instances, it is best to just make love. Not give love. Not share love. Make love. Come together and love each other physically. Make the effort. Enjoy each other. Do whatever feels good for her and get her to do what feels good to you. Come together and just enjoy the experience. If an orgasm occurs, let that be a bonus.
In so many cases, great sex is mind over matter. If your partner is totally ‘up for it’, anything is possible but, if she is anxious or self-conscious, nothing will work. Not even those tried and trusted moves!

WHAT MAKES A WOMAN

2010-02-28T00:18:00.002Z

WHAT MAKES A WOMAN

Guys will describe themselves as ‘a breast man’ or ’a leg man’, as if the most important thing about a woman is her body! I am not an anything man! Not an ass man, not a pussy man, not an anything man!

I love women!

Of course, all women have incredible bodies! To a smart man, all women are sexy! Naturally, there are a few picky fools who will say, “Her tits are too small!” or “Her ass is too big!” These are the same picky fools that have flat feet, bad breath and an Oedipus Complex!

If you truly love women, you should truly love everything about them! The dimensions of her breasts are irrelevant. Her waist and hip measurements are irrelevant. What makes a woman sexy is what she does with her body and, most important of all, if she’s happy to do it with you, you know you ain’t gonna turn it down!

But curves and crevices are not what makes a woman sexy. All women have got curves and crevices, they come as standard and, if you’re lucky, you’ll get a chance to get close to them!

No, what makes a woman sexy are the wonderful, subtle things many men fail to notice and comment on.

First of all, ever wondered why some women look so beautifully turned-out? Effort. Pure and simple. She took the time to make the effort and, crucially, she made that effort for you. Show some appreciation.

Secondly, women want to make it work. Even though many guys have a wide array of colourful defects, out of the kindness of their hearts, women will overlook your faults and try to make it work.

Thirdly, women will listen to your nonsense, watch what you want to watch on TV, eat what you want to eat, fuck when you want to fuck, and even stand in the cold to support your football team. Women make sacrifices. And, crucially, they make sacrifices for you.

Finally, the last thing I want to mention, although this is definitely not the last thing that makes women sexy: women fight very hard to maintain their dignity and remain feminine at all times.

Women know that men love feminine women so, even though men attack and provoke and force women to be defend themselves in an aggressive, masculine way, women still try to do it with good grace. Why do they bite their tongue and try to hold it down in a lady-like fashion? For you.

So, to summarise, what makes a woman sexy to me is that she puts up with my all my madness and all my shit, and still looks fabulous doing it!

Tug Time

2010-02-22T11:33:00.001Z

Tug Time

Let me give you three words that will send a chill of terror through many people.

Married with kids.

In other words: a sex life that has to be organised with military precision.

Of course, it’s possible. Get a baby sitter or take the kids to stay with friends/ relatives, book a hotel, drive somewhere: blissful love making!

But - damn! - that is a lot of time, effort, energy and money just to ejaculate! I know it sounds primal but sometimes a man just wants to - as they say - ‘bust a nut’. Legendary madam Cynthia Payne was quoted saying that men are much nicer once they’ve ’de-spunked’.

Sometimes, you just want some peace, quiet and privacy to dig out your favourite adult clip, get your trusty bottle of baby oil and stroke to your heart’s (dick’s) content.

But even once everyone has left for work, or left for school/college, there are still disturbances: one child has left their phone charger, a delivery man wants you to take in a parcel for next door and, of course, your local door-to-door salesmen and political canvassers. Not to mention Jehovah’s Witnesses! Part of me wants them bring them inside so they can witness my frustration!

Sometimes days can go by and not a nut can be bust! Waiting for the family to go to sleep is not an option, unless you want to go to bed at 1.00 a.m. every morning! You find yourself wondering how cheap the local hooker is? At least in her tiny flat there will be peace, quiet and relief!

It seems a simple thing to organise: Tug Time. Astonishingly, in a full and busy house, it is nigh on impossible.

The Day Of Loneliness

2010-02-13T18:14:00.001Z

The Day Of Loneliness

We are here again. That fateful day. February 14th. Valentine’s Day. The Day Of Love. The day when everyone tries to make a good impression, and woe betide you if you fail to make a good impression (some folks have a way of remembering this kind of shit forever!)

My last two blogs have been about love: loving someone, being in love and true love. Even amongst women, there are widely differing opinions of what true love is, whether it really exists, and whether it’s worth busting your ass to find.

As far as I can see, there are just two camps: those who have love in their life and those who don’t and, on Valentine’s Day, one camp will have a good day, while the other will be frozen in tearful misery.

On Valentine’s Day, no one gives a fuck what kind of love it is! As long as some kind of card and sincere message arrives, we’re good!

Valentine’s Day is not just The Day Of Love, it’s also The Day Of Loneliness. For some, one of the lowest moments of the year. A day when some people feel fat, frumpy and a failure. A day when some people count the cost of their mistakes. And it’s even a day when some people look back on their exes and think, “Was she really that bad?” or “Maybe I should have given him another chance?”

Needless to say, this writer opens his arms (and legs) to those of you who get nothing on Valentine’s Day. I wish you love, happiness, good health and good fortune. Tomorrow is another day and, who knows, you may meet someone decent in the supermarket? Let The Day Of Loneliness be a day of optimism.

TRUE LOVE (PART TWO)

2010-02-05T22:45:00.003Z

TRUE LOVE (PART TWO)

The response to ‘True Love’ (Part One) was very lively! Lots of contrasting replies and even the customary, cowardly, anonymous and abusive message! People even wanted to talk to me about it in person!
“Do you really believe what you wrote?” one girl asked.
“These are just things I observe,” I replied.

What I now realise is that, if two people share True Love; they will not want anyone else. When two people share True Love, they may appreciate beauty in other people, but there is no possibility of adultery. They are truly in love and they have no need of anyone else. Their partner is their world and they are happy to share everything with them.

As adultery is so common, what that means is that there are millions and millions of married people who are NOT truly in love. They may love each other but they are not sharing True Love. What should they do? Break up? Cause millions of one-parent families? Is the pursuit of True Love worth breaking up a home?

What I now also realise is that True Love CAN last forever but not always. Some people get to enjoy that rare, life-long love, while many others move from True Love to just mere love.

So, what to do when True Love dies? What to do if you’ve moved down one division and you now just love? Well, if you are getting on and you’ve fashioned a good rhythm, then stick with it! Who knows, maybe True Love will happen again for you two?

Now, are there any circumstances where True Love can survive cheating? Yes, when someone is fighting to maintain their True Love status. If a man is not showing his woman enough attention, and she knows full well they share a True Love, she may choose to zap him with several million bolts of adultery, so she can get his attention and steer him back on to his path of righteousness.

So, is there any point in settling down with someone unless you’ve found True Love? Well, if you’ve reached a certain age, and you’ve struck out so far, you might figure loving someone is sufficient grounds for moving in?

And, finally, if your True Love provides you with everything and services your every need, how will it feel to lose them to accident or illness? Surely, without them, your world will be empty? Surely, the pain of loss will be unbearable?

I’ll leave the final words to Alfred Lord Tennyson:

“I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.”

TRUE LOVE

2010-01-16T00:38:00.001Z

TRUE LOVE

The beautiful thing about true love is that it lasts forever; which is the best thing about true love but also the worst thing!
Because while your heart is at home with your loved one, your brain, your imagination and your fantasies can sometimes be somewhere else and, in some cases, you might be somewhere else!
We all agree that adultery is unfair and hurtful. There is no adulterer on this planet who doesn’t feel guilty. There is no adulterer that doesn’t feel a total shit every time they concoct another lie. However, those painful feelings are nothing compared to the sweet sensations of full-on, no-holds-barred rumpy pumpy!
Although some people believe that open relationships and affairs can be good for a long-term relationship, this requires the co-operation of BOTH parties.
So, for those of us truly in love, we are torn between right and wrong. We are torn between who we care for and who our body needs and craves. We are torn between the person we want to grow old with and the person we can’t stop thinking about fucking in a wide variety of positions.
We can’t help who we love and we can’t help who we lust after. It’s convenient if it’s one and the same person but, in some cases, it ain’t! If you find yourself lusting after someone else: does that make you a bad person? Not a bad person, just a very normal person.
There are times when you think to yourself, “Christ, who the hell invented marriage? Why did I get married?”
Well, obviously, it’s nice to have a family and share family holidays and, when you get old, it’s nice to have company. But, during the course of that marriage, you are forever thinking, “My, the grass sure looks greener on the other side!”
So, what to do?
Well, if your partner is the one doing the sneaking around, you have options: you can either stay or go. Whatever you do, don’t bitch about it! That will destroy the relationship. If you’re going: go!
If you’re staying, you have options: you can either suck it up and play Happy Families, or you can explore your own sexuality and the skills of the local talent!
Within the course of a long-term relationship, even if it’s something that lasts 30 or more years, you will never know what the other person is thinking at all times. No matter how loved you feel, and no matter how loving and attentive you are, there are always going to be moments when your partner looks at someone else and thinks (even if only for a brief second), “I wonder …”
This whole mantra about communication and effort within a marriage is totally unrealistic. Talking about it in a reasonable way will not alter human nature. We all have eyes. We can all see. Pursuing the object of your desire is dangerous. You know that. And even though you may have lost this battle of wills with yourself, this night of passion may be the fuel your marriage needs?

WHY CHANGE?

2010-01-01T16:38:00.003Z

WHY CHANGE?

Of course, New Year’s Resolutions are a crock of shit!
Why? Because change is hard work. And hard work is … well … hard work! It’s so much easier to keep on doing what you’ve been doing. It’s so much easier to stick with what you know. It’s so much easier to do nothing!
And that’s how most people are! I’ll put a figure on it. I’d say 70% of the people on this earth are lazy! 70% of the people on this planet do the bare minimum and survive on that.
They watch ‘Cribs’ on MTV and think, “Wow! What a lucky bitch!”
No, this singer or that actor are NOT lucky. They pushed themselves. They took risks. They made sacrifices. They effected change. And they didn’t wait until January 1st to do it!
Holy crap! You’ve got 365 days every year to effect change, and you get hung up on January 1st?
I am NOT going to launch into some motivational speaker bullshit! Hell, I’ve got better things to do!
I just don’t want you to focus on January 1st! Forget about January 1st!
If you don’t do anything in 2010: don’t worry! You are normal. 70% of the people on this planet are content to plod along so, if your life stagnates, don’t sweat it! You are normal!

CRAVINGS

2009-12-18T21:50:00.002Z

CRAVINGS

Some people crave chocolate.
Some people crave steak.
Some people crave a stiff drink.
They can taste it on their tongue and they yearn for it, like a long-lost love.
Cravings can drive you mad. Ask any pregnant woman! A pregnant woman’s cravings are powerful and totally ridiculous, mixing unusual combinations of food at all hours of the day.
Me? The only thing I crave is the taste of a vagina.
It totally distracts. Stops me dead in my tracks. Even in the face of a vital deadline, the thought of cunnilingus will send me off into a daydream.
With my face between a woman’s legs, like Alice In Wonderland, I am transported to a fantastic parallel universe. For me, the odour and taste of a vagina are like the wildest hallucinogenic drug. You can lose me down there for ages!
I enjoy sucking the inner and outer lips; I enjoy sliding my tongue into the groove and lapping up the juice. I enjoy pushing back the hood and sucking the clit. I enjoy a woman’s response. Her moans. The way her body tenses then relaxes. I enjoy her squirt. I enjoy her hands clamped around my head. Her nails gripping my shoulders. I enjoy her rapid breathing and breathlessness.
Once I know I am about to make love, my head cannot get there fast enough! Women are shocked! They are so used to having their own head pushed in the general direction of a penis!
If you want to fellate me, that would be nice but it’s not necessary. Believe it or not, I am more than happy just to make you cum and, if possible. I’d love to do it with my mouth.
On occasions, after orgasm, women have said to me, “Okay, I’m done. What can I do for you?” Now, THAT is making love. Courtesy and generosity are gestures full of love.
And, right now, my craving is killing me! Today I have looked at so many women and thought what they would taste like. I have tried to picture their vagina and how it would respond to my tongue.
Today, I am like an illogical, irrational pregnant woman. My tongue is hanging out of my mouth, as if it brings it closer to some random vagina. Like a vampire, I am this craving; this craving is me, and it MUST be satisfied.

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN FAITHFUL AND SHUT HIM UP SIMULTANEOUSLY

2009-12-12T21:15:00.002Z

HOW TO KEEP YOUR MAN FAITHFUL AND SHUT HIM UP SIMULTANEOUSLY

This is not a complex idea or a complicated theory.
Ladies: your life could be improved immeasurably by giving your man more hand jobs. It’s as simple as that.
The hand job is the sex act you don’t even need to be ‘in the mood’ for. You don’t really need to think about it and you can even do it while you’re doing something else, like listening to your iPod, watching TV or even talking on the phone.
Most men need to cum more often than most women and, if they can’t get it from you, they may decide not to masturbate. After all, they’ve been masturbating since they were teens and they may be bored of their own touch.
Yes, that’s right, ladies: if he can’t get it from you, he may go out and get it from someone else. Whether chatting-up another women or paying an escort, this will take money out of the family budget. Money he could be spending on YOU!
Always keep a bottle of baby oil (or whatever lubricant you use) in the bedroom plus a full box of man-size tissues. That way, you can masturbate him when you don’t feel like sex or don’t feel like supplying him with a blow job.
If you have the time and inclination, you might want to indulge in some hand job foreplay; running your finger (and nails) in and around the genital area. Softly coaxing the penis to a harder erection and gently squeezing the testicles.
When a guy is masturbating, it may appear vigorous but, after years of practice, you can be assured he is not squeezing tight. The penis can get very hard but it is not rubber or plastic like your vibrator.
Make sure you don’t pull and cause pain! Ensure you are massaging. After all, your hand is meant to simulate the walls of your vagina.
Try to stimulate the testicles and, with a very lubricated finger, he might appreciate you tickling his anal passage and even penetrating it by half an inch or so.
Once he has cum, DON’T keep rubbing! At this point, the penis is very sensitive and he will just want to enjoy his orgasm.
And, best of all, once most men have cum, they will turn over and go to sleep.
Don’t even ask if he wants to be jerked-off. He may appreciate you being pro-active. When he comes to bed, tell him to stay naked and lie on his back. Even if he’s tired, a man is unlikely to turn down a hand job! And, even if he isn’t horny, this will hopefully keep his ass quiet for the next 24 hours.
If you are masturbating him and he’s unable to cum, you may have to add some additional stimulus to the package, like telling him a fantasy, sucking his balls, sticking your pussy in his face or playing one of his favourite porn DVDs? Over time, you will find little tricks that you know get him off.
Men think about sex when they need to cum but, if they don’t need to cum, their thoughts will turn to other essential matters (football, beer, cars etc.)
If you’re horny and you’ve got the energy to fuck: then all well and good, but if you want to keep him happy and keep him quiet, this most basic of sex acts should do the trick.

HUMAN NATURE

2009-12-05T18:42:00.002Z

HUMAN NATURE

Sometimes, a guy will be watching a football game and shouting at the TV, getting mad at some official over a decision, and his woman will turn to him and say, “What are you getting so mad about? It’s only a game!”
At this point, the guy will be thinking murder but, hopefully, he will resist the urge to kill her. Instead, he will swear or, if he has more self-control, he will just hold his tongue.
It’s like telling a woman not to go shopping. He will say, “Why do you need another pair of shoes?” And she will say, “To go with the dress I bought!” And he will say, “Did you really need another dress?” And she will say what all women say, “I’ve got nothing to wear!”
Women don’t get sport and men don’t get shopping. It’s the fundamental difference between the sexes. The penis and the vagina are insignificant compared to this difference. God only knows why women say, “It’s only a game?” Women that utter these words know very little about men. If you are dumb enough to say, “It’s only a game,” you and your partner will forever spin in different orbits.
Men are men. You can’t change them. They may change of their own accord but a woman will have no real effect on a man. She might help him to dress better, be friendlier or be more sociable, but she will never stop a guy loving the things that guys love. Heterosexual guys love sport: fact. Those that don’t are gay, bi or getting there!
Same with women: if you love women, don’t bug them about shopping; just let them be. If it makes them happy, let them do it! You can’t fight human nature. If a woman sees the word “Sale”, she begins to get moist: fact.
When talking about sex, some women will even say, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about!” These women are mad, bad and dangerous to know. Avoid them at all costs! They will destroy your life! It’s this kind of blasé attitude that destroys marriages.
Some guys are so dumb: they will see a pretty face and big tits and imagine that the girl is some sex maniac. That is a foolish and fatal assumption. Not all girls with great bodies know how to use them or even like sex!
And then we can break it down to women that enjoy sex and women that really and truly appreciate the beautiful things that can happen between two (or more) people!
Some women have an appetite for sex (and sexual matters) that will leave you breathless. They don’t even need you to wash! They are quite happy to suck on anything that needs sucking! Your musky scent is a part of you, and they want YOU!
So many couples are breaking-up over nothing, being single seems normal! Things are so bad, cruising and dating seem like human nature whereas, in fact, a relationship is far more natural. Dating, flings and affairs are like pantomimes; you even know what’s going to happen next!
Within a relationship, you can experience far more humanity.
If possible, settle down with someone who doesn’t just give it to you good for the first 12 months. Find someone who wants to embark on a sexual journey with you. Long-term relationships are a bitch to hold in place, so if you can find someone to hold your hand (and your penis or a large vibrator) on a regular basis, you can share the joy of friendship, companionship and everlasting (and very dirty) sex!

AFTERPLAY

2009-11-21T18:40:00.002Z

AFTERPLAY

It’s taken most men thousands of years to appreciate the concept of foreplay. And, even now, clumsy men jab their dirty digits into carefully-trimmed caverns, chew on the clitoris like it’s a jelly bean, and tweak nipples like they’re pulling the top off a beer bottle!
We should probably be nervous about introducing them to anything to new.
Nevertheless, to those brave men who have read this far: guys, you should also try your hand at ‘afterplay’.
As its name suggests, ‘afterplay’ is what happens after the male orgasm.
Women – show-offs that they are – can cum endlessly but, eventually, they fall asleep (thank God!) If the female dozes off, then you can doze off too, but DO NOT fall asleep if she wants to indulge in ‘afterplay’.
It’s so important, let me say it again: if she’s still awake, DO NOT fall asleep!
For her, ‘afterplay’ may just mean holding each other. Nevertheless, if ‘afterplay’ means conversations, you have to converse! And DO NOT try to feign interest; you have to get involved.
If you are dumb as shit, then you’ve got problems; your ideas and opinions will be banal. Having said that, if she decided to bed your dumb ass and wants conversation, then she’s living in a dream world!
If she knows and accepts that you have to be somewhere else and that the session will only be lasting 30 or 40 minutes, then you can jump up and leave after the agreed time. Nevertheless, if you’ve got nowhere pressing to be, keep your ass in that bed!
The most important thing about ‘afterplay’ is respect. It demonstrates that it meant something to you. You value it and you want to enjoy every moment.
Having said all that, if she cums, jumps out of bed and says, “Thanks!” then you are off scott-free! Go about your business: no need for ‘afterplay’!

The Superior Posterior

2009-11-18T23:41:00.002Z

THE SUPERIOR POSTERIOR

We all have buttocks. Some are bigger than others, some are shapelier than others. Some buttocks are hard, some are soft, some are round and some are muscular. And then there are the ‘flatty batties’, who have nothing at all, which means they miss out on the wonderful world of spanking and corporal punishment. And to those of us who appreciate giving and/or receiving a good spanking or flogging, we know that’s a huge loss for any life to endure!
Nevertheless, even the buttock-less have a delicious and tight orifice. And, for a man, it’s also a pathway to a G spot.
Anal play and anal sex is a true Marmite delight. You either love it or you hate it. Once you can get over the fact that shit comes out of that hole, anything is possible. In fact, on these very pages, I have found specialist scat sites that show that brown love is alive and very pungent!
We are so used to stuff coming down that passage; some never get over the feeling of stuff coming the other way. Personally, I have enjoyed the feeling of dildos entering me. I had one friend who delighted in how far it went. She was particularly pleased with six inches. Another friend wore a strap-on and that was a noisy treat!
On the occasions that I have penetrated an anal passage, I have cum fairly quickly. It is not only a fabulous sensation but also extremely taboo and naughty, which heightens the experience!
And then there are the curves themselves. Some white guys have been obsessing about Jennifer Lopez’s behind and Beyonce Knowles’ ass for years, not really understanding that bottoms come in much bigger sizes; in comparison to some I’ve seen, Beyonce is bulimic!
And now women are a lot more vocal in their appreciation of the male posterior. They will watch sport for hours, ogling the finely-toned bodies of the athletes. And I am mightily relieved to say that I have an ass. Some skinny guys don’t. I am grateful to have something that gets pinched!

THE BEST

2009-10-23T23:02:00.002+01:00

THE BEST

“You’re the best!” she said.

When somebody says that to you, you think, “Oh, they’re just saying that!” It’s something to say, in the heat of passion; an exclamation but also an expression of gratitude.

The thing is: someone said it to me last year too. It feels good to know that two women think I’m ‘the best’.

But I know it can’t be true or every woman would say it to me. The truth of the matter is: cunnilingus is a very personal thing.

The root of great oral sex: the heart and the mind. If your feelings towards that person are warm and affectionate, then you are that much more open to receiving pleasure. If you feel good about them, you will feel good about what they’re doing. If you trust them, then your legs and your lips open that bit more. You expose yourself, reveal yourself, allow yourself to drown because it feels comfortable.

But it’s a totally personal thing. With some women, their clitoris is so sensitive, there is no point licking it vigorously or sucking it. All you’re actually doing is causing her pain!

Some women love to feel a tongue actually penetrate them, while others enjoy a long, slow, deliberate lick all the way up the crack and over the pubic bone. Some women are receptive to rimming, and will raise their hips and spread their buttocks, while others encourage a finger massaging their G spot.

It’s vital to be gentle until you are given a clear sign to become more ardent. It could be catastrophic to launch straight into passionate licking and sucking.

I think women can feel my total enjoyment of the act. When someone appreciates your cooking, you can tell, right? Me? I’m like a greedy boy at a rib shack. I spend as much time licking my lips and sucking my fingers.

The Scent Of A Woman

2009-10-12T00:13:00.002+01:00

The Scent Of A Woman

‘The Scent Of A Woman’ is a 1992 film in which Al Pacino plays a blind man. His power of smell is very important to him. It’s one of the main ways he appreciates a woman. It’s merely one of the ways I appreciate a woman.
The war of the sexes continues unabated. Men and women continue to treat each other very badly. Single people and married people treat each other badly, gold diggers treat men badly, abusive men treat women badly, divorced people treat each other with disdain, and fathers and mothers fight over kids.
In general, women want a home, a husband and children and, in general, men want all that plus a mistress! It’s an uncomfortable truth we all have to live with.
I’m no angel. I have broken hearts. I have said some hurtful things. Words I regret. And I feel guilt because I truly love and appreciate women.
I’m sure some women hate being this fragile. I’m sure some wish they didn’t have to rely on a man. And, I’m sure some wish they didn’t fall in love so easily. And what do men to these beautiful flowers? Lie, cheat and beat.
And now there is a whole new generation of hardened, cynical, almost un-feminine women. They drink like men, swear like men, fuck like men and, if they manage to find a partner in the process, well, that’s just a bonus!
In truth, any man that finds a woman who is happy to put up with his shit is one lucky boy! And, what do men do? Lie, cheat and beat.
I love being in the company of women. They talk about interesting things. And, most important of all, if they like you, they will make the effort to look interested in anything you want to talk about, even if they know nothing about it or care little for it.
And, when a woman loves you, she will make love to you. She will pay attention to your body and to the things you like. And is there really anything better than being spoiled by a woman? As teenage boys, it’s all we ever thought about. And now, as adults, what do we do to these women that love us and want to spoil us? Lie, cheat and beat.
And then there are the women that can cook! Oh my God! Home cooked food! A woman will sweat over a hot stove to make a sumptuous meal for the man she loves, and her family, and his family too. Such women should truly be revered. And I do.
I try my best to be respectful to women. Like all men, I want to fuck most of the women I meet but, naturally, that is impractical and disrespectful. And, more importantly, it’s not actually what she wants. She knows that every man wants to fuck her. It’s no longer important. The novelty wore off long, long ago. What she actually wants from you is … you. And, if you have a personality, you can make a friend of this woman.
So, I love it all: the scent, the kindness, the intellect, the passion. This smile just won’t leave my face. I am surrounded by incredible women and I never lose sight of what an honour that is.

ABS MADE EASY

2009-09-24T11:16:00.004+01:00

ABS MADE EASY

“Abs made easy?”

Get the fuck outta here! Getting abs ain’t easy. It involves a lot of sweat and pain. You might have a simple, easy-to-follow exercise regime but the getting of the abs certainly won’t be easy!
You’ve got Jude Law with his shirt off on your front cover. Yeah, I know you want me to buy your magazine, but don’t tell me that getting abs is “easy”. The truth ain’t pretty but just gimme the truth!

In fact, John Lennon said exactly the same in a song called ‘Gimme Some Truth’ on his ‘Imagine’ album:
“I’m sick and tired of hearing things
From uptight, short-sighted, narrow-minded hypocrites,
All I want is the truth,
Just gimme some truth!”

On a daily basis, how much truth do you actually hear? Are you surrounded by lies and liars? If we take it for granted that adverts promise much more than they could ever hope to deliver, and if we take it for granted that your boss is lying about your hopes of promotion, and if we take it for granted that your friend is lying about liking your new boyfriend, how much truth do you actually have in your life?

Needless to say, on a daily basis, I’ve got several fools sending me e-mails asking me if I’m satisfied with the size of my penis, asking me if my girlfriend/wife is satisfied with the size of my penis, asking me whether I’m the laughing stock in the locker room. Don’t you feel sorry for the guys wasting their money on these pills and potions? These spam e-mails are all lies. Even those dumb chain e-mails from well-meaning friends. So, we can also take it for granted that a high percentage of your inbox is full of lies.

So, who else is lying to you? Did you ever wonder how completely incompetent people obtain high-paying, high-profile jobs and, soon after, get knighted or given a lordship? Yep, the employers of these spineless wonders are lying to you too. They will try and convince you they’ve hired the right guy for the job, but he’s actually just someone in their social circle; more jobs for the boys.

And how about the lies our partner tells us? Okay, let’s not call them ‘lies’. Let’s say our partners are sparing with the truth. And, to be honest, they ‘spare the truth’ in order to ‘spare’ our feelings. These lies are coming from a good place. Ask your partner what they’re thinking about. How much truth will you get? Ask your partner how they’re feeling. How much truth will you get? Being completely honest is scary. Really scary! Hollywood movies like ‘Liar Liar’ make being truthful seem quite fun but, in reality, it’s the scariest way to live your life.

The best we can hope to achieve is being honest with ourselves. If you can’t be 100% totally honest within the privacy of your head, where else? Admitting the truth to yourself feels good.

However, saying “I’m unhappy” is not admitting the truth. You being unhappy is how you feel. ‘The truth’ might be, “I’m unhappy because I’m too lazy to do anything about it.” Or, ‘the truth’ might be, “I’m unhappy because I’m totally crippled by self-esteem issues.”

‘The truth’ might be, “I don’t want to be faithful.” Or, ‘the truth’ might be, “I badly need to be treated like a slut because being this prim and proper is fucking boring!”

Or ‘the truth’ might be, “Thank God for Blogger and the people who read my blogs, or I would feel very alone.”

SO-SO SEX

2009-09-05T18:03:00.002+01:00

SO-SO SEX

There’s only one thing worse than no sex and that’s so-so sex!

If you’re not having sex, at least you can count on good ol’ reliable masturbation. Self-love will never let you down.

So-so sex is caused by a variety of things:

1) No sexual chemistry. This can be even more frustrating, as it always seems as if there was sexual chemistry. The evening went well, the wine and conversation were flowing, and it seemed as if everything was falling into place, and then you both got naked! And that’s when it all began to go wrong! It just didn’t ‘feel’ right. Nothing to do with your technique or his technique, it just didn’t ‘feel’ right. No spark. No excitement.

Lack of chemistry is no one’s fault. It’s sometimes devastating when two people that love each other have no chemistry. Chemistry is a truly magical, mystical element. Conversely, you might find you have amazing sexual chemistry with a serial player who will only break your heart. Ah, them’s the breaks!

2) Poor technique. Some folks just don’t know what they’re doing. Some people have no concept of foreplay, while others just have no concept of how the human body works. Some guys don’t know where the clitoris is, while others want to suck it like they’re a vacuum cleaner! Some women grab the penis likes they’re about to slice cucumber, and jerk it without lubricant, unaware that the guy is crying inside.

3) Body aversion. Some people have hang-ups about the human body and the way it works. Some women will tentatively perform fellatio but gag at the thought of coming into contact with semen. While some men don’t want to go “down there” because of “that smell”, completely unaware that their scrotum smells like mouldy cheese!

4) Personal dislikes. Someone who keeps saying, “I don’t really like doing that,” is going to get irritating. Sex with a list of ‘do’ and ‘don’t’ is going to be so-so! During sex, the word ‘no’ should NOT be heard! The only two words you want to hear are “Yes!” and “Again” and, the odd exclamation of “Jesus!”

Of course, married couples have been having so-so sex for years. She knows exactly what he will do; he knows exactly what she likes. You could almost programme two robots? But, at least there is love. Assuming this married couple like each other, at least there is still love. They fall asleep together, they wake up together and, for a few moments at least, the world seems good.

Needless to say, there are always ‘experts’, happy to regurgitate the same old article: “How To Keep The Marital Bed Hot” or “20 Ways For Mum And Dad To Keep It Spicy”. Yeah, yeah! Thanks for the tips! If you want to be helpful, take the kids for a week!

Can so-so sex be avoided? Not if you are still looking for a partner. Trial and error involves two things: trial and error.

Is it worth getting stressed about so-so sex? Not really. Because, every so often, you get a good one. One that wants to give you pleasure and won’t quit until you’re satisfied!

Age And Attractiveness

2009-06-23T23:32:00.003+01:00

Age And Attractiveness

We hit those age bracket milestones (30,40,50) and they are cruel psychological pranks. Imaginary grey hairs, imaginary wrinkles, imaginary aches and pains. Those wicked numbers fuck with your head! The mile-o-meter clicks over from 29 to 30 and, all of a sudden, the teenage years are gone and it’s all downhill from that point! Imagine how the 40-year-olds feel!

Unbelievably, as the years pass, some of us feel less and less attractiveness. We buy into the young person’s definition of beauty. But why the fuck are we listening to young people? They eat junk food and listen to shit music!

As you get older - yes, it’s true – more and more young people will stop finding you attractive, and it’s quite traumatic! You can go into certain bars, clubs and parties and not catch one person’s eye! Profoundly depressing!

Age even prevents you from dressing in a certain way. You don’t want to be described as “mutton dressed as lamb”. You don’t want young people staring and sniggering.

“Dancing like my dad” is a derogatory term to describe extravagant, ridiculous dance moves. “Dad rock” is used to describe corny tracks by has-been bands. Not even Homer Simpson is cool! He makes you laugh but you wouldn’t really want to hang with him, would you? What would you talk about?

We are subjected to films and TV shows called ‘Grumpy Old Men’, ‘Last Of The Summer Wine’ and ‘One Foot In The Grave’, in which lust and longing are a foolish notion. Old men are depicted as tired and frustrated.

And then they created a miracle cure! Every old man could take Viagra and he would have an erection that lasted hours! But who is the old man going to fuck? Who will want him? After all, he is merely an old man with an erection.

In truth, the secret is not in the erection. The important body part is much further north. The old cliché goes, “You’re as old as you feel” and, right now, I feel great! My erection is as hard and long-lasting as ever, and you will never see me pop a pill! My sex life isn’t a high-action porn movie but I cum as often as ever!

In fact, I love my erection! And, as an exhibitionist, I love to share images of my excitement. As I get older, I am seeing no decline in my sexual appetite and I still have that thirst to try new things. Grow old disgracefully really works for me!

And fortunately, with age, the inhibitions go! Right now, I couldn’t give a fuck! I go to a naturist spa and just walk around naked. If you want to judge me by my body, that is your problem! I couldn’t care less.

And fortunately, that couldn’t-care-less attitude really works for me! Beautiful women, even young women, want to have sex with me! My age has changed me and made me attractive in a different way. I am no George Clooney and no catwalk model, but I still have many fine wines I can bring to the party!

THE MYTHICAL BOOTY CALL

2009-06-12T00:51:00.002+01:00

THE MYTHICAL BOOTY CALL

My sex life is so appalling; I don’t know where to begin.

I have so little sex, it’s embarrassing!

If I was a single woman, like some women I know, I could have sex with 10-15 men a month, as one of my friends is won’t to do! Horny women have casual sex on tap.

But, for a guy, it’s different; as many women want relationships. They want wooing, or courtship, or attention, or treats, or fuss made over them, even if they’re so-so in bed!

Some R&B singer popularised the term ‘booty call’ and got men all excited! It made gullible men think that, when women get horny, they pick up the phone and make this mythical booty call! I’m still waiting!

I am officially bored of masturbating.

I yearn for a hand job, I yearn for a mouth full of female ejaculate, I yearn to feel an erect nipple between my teeth, I yearn for sex that makes my muscles ache, I yearn to hold a woman across my knee and spank her until her bottom is red!

I have started daydreaming about it at work. Typical Billy Liar behaviour! Gawping into space dreaming about breasts and buttocks and swollen pink lips!

It’s lonely on this dull island. I need to be rescued.

THE FPM SCALE

2009-04-19T19:05:00.004+01:00

THE FPM SCALE

We’re all in agreement that love is lovely. We all agree on that.
We all agree that being in love and being loved feels great. There’s no high like it!
We all agree that – ultimately - all you need is love (unless of course it’s that poisonous, possessive kind of love that ends-up squeezing the personality out of a partner and squeezing the life out of a relationship!)
Although some folks may not totally believe in the institution of marriage, everyone agrees that the friendship and companionship of a long-term partner provides you with emotional stability (and takes the nightmare of dating out of your life!)
Those in long-term relationships are also aware of the cycle of passion. This can be measured on the FPM (Fucks Per Month) Scale. In the first month of a relationship, the FPM Scale is anything from 20 to 30. In year two, that has gone down to 10 or 11. In year three, it will be down to 5 or 6?
So, how about the couples who have been together 10 years? 15 years? 20 years? What do you think their FPM ratio is? The one thing you can be guaranteed is that he’s buying a lot of baby oil and she’s buying a lot of batteries!
Now, there is tons and tons of shit written in women’s magazines about how to keep your relationship fresh and alive. These articles have titles such as, ‘How To Keep It Hot In The Bedroom’.
Again, we are all in agreement that long-term relationships are healthier for your heart, soul, genitals and wallet than the single life. We all agree on that.
Hell, when you get to 50 or 60, you are real glad for a companion! Imagine hitting the singles scene aged 57!
And we are also in agreement that couples in long-term relationships should make every effort to stay together. And not just for the kids!
So, I applaud these articles. I applaud companies like Ann Summers who sell naughty lingerie and fun sex toys to middle-aged women. And, I applaud couples that try everything (even stuff outside their comfort zone) in an attempt to keep the bedroom hot.
But, ultimately, their FPM ratio will never get back to that first month. Hell, 40+ couples are lucky to get it a few times a month! Why? Because things change. People change. Relationships change. Priorities change. Bodies change. Moods change. Circumstances change.
He likes this, she doesn’t. She wants it now, he doesn’t. He’s awake, she’s asleep. She’s busy, he’s unemployed. All of these factors conspire to destroy a marriage.
Interestingly, we’re now starting to see articles in magazines stating than an affair can be good for a marriage. Ya think? If you can keep your emotions in check: do it!
We’re also now seeing dating websites in which people blatantly say what they’ve always wanted: NSA (no strings attached) sex, and you know those sites are full of married people!
So, as you wander through your local supermarket and observe fellow couples, take a guess at what their FPM ratio is, and then take a guess at how they’re trying to get that ratio on the up!

SKIN DEEP

2009-02-15T13:24:00.001Z

SKIN DEEP

Wanna know who frets about their body most? A model: someone who makes money out of their body. Backstage at a fashion show, you will hear The Beautiful People fret about the most miniscule problem: one pound gained, one stray hair, an uneven tan, one tiny fragment of cellulite.
Even The Beautiful People think they’re ugly!
Everybody has issues with their body but – as George Clinton said – free your mind and your ass will follow.
It’s difficult to feel happy and sexy, if we don’t feel that we look good. We never imagine that our partner actually likes our body. Even if our partner is more than happy to fuck us, we figure, “Ah, they’re just horny!”
Another famous cliché is, “Beauty is only skin deep.” But we never really buy that!

The conversation might run like this.
“You’re beautiful.”
“I don’t feel beautiful.”
“You’re a beautiful person.”
“I don’t feel beautiful.”
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
“I want to be beautiful to the outside!”
“I think you’re beautiful.”
“I appreciate that but I don’t feel beautiful.”
“Doesn’t my opinion matter to you?”
“It does but I don’t feel beautiful.”
“Other people find you attractive.”
“Maybe but they probably just want to fuck me!”

You can never win with a chronic body issue person.
In fact, some body issue people actually hate images of themselves. They will shy away from the camera. They do not imagine that anybody anywhere would want actually want to see this image, let alone be aroused by it! Despite the fact that there are literally millions of people on this earth who prefer full-figured/chunky/plump partners, and do not get aroused by skin’n’bone catwalk models.

One of the best ways to get over such body issues is to actually take a huge plunge into the deep end. I go to this naturist spa – primarily to relax in the Jacuzzi and sweat in the sauna – and, when I come out of that place, I feel clean and healthy. The spa is full of naked people. No models attend this spa. There is not one body in there that you would put on the front cover of magazine. These are ordinary people and ordinary people are not models.
If you truly believe that vanity is a sin then you probably subscribe to the maxim that, “God don’t like ugly.” I believe that vain people are ugly because they place too much importance on the exterior. For them, beauty stops at their skin. Go beyond the skin of a vain person and you will find very little of worth.
I don’t look for beauty, I listen for it.